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Self-Proclaimed Lady Killer: Welcome to the “Real” Bone Student Center

“I had my fair share of hookups at a number of high school basement parties, but I’m ready to take it to the next level,” stated freshman Kyle Bubinski as he crawled up into his lofted twin-sized bed with the sexual prowess of a newborn chinchilla.

 

It may only be the freshman class’ first weekend at Illinois State, but Bubinski already has more than enough confidence in himself that he will “head to poundtown on the regular” this semester. 

 

“I know exactly what it takes to get the girls flocking in droves,” boasted the 18-year-old who, mere months ago, totally touched this girls’ boobs at a high school graduation party.

 

When asked how exactly Bubinski planned on attracting the young women of ISU to his dorm room, the bold bachelor smirked and replied, “Two words: sexual vibes.”  

 

Whether it was the plain blue bedspread clearly picked out by his mother, the impressive amount of dirty laundry lying around or the disturbing number of posters of half-naked women, Kyle Bubinski’s dorm certainly has enough of a sensual atmosphere to get any college girl uncontrollably aroused.

 

Bubinski plans on hosting parties every night, and when asked what he would do about seating, he responded saying, “There’s something that most freshies don’t understand. You’ve gotta make the bitches feel comfortable, but not too comfortable.” After an awkward silence, Kyle explained that there was plenty of room on the ground, on his bed, and his roommate’s bed, because he would totally be chill about it.  

 

“Chicks need proof that you know how to party. That’s why I tape every single Keystone Light 30-rack divider I can get my hands on up on my side of the room.” Bragged the 140lb boy as he marveled at the 6 dividers he had on display. “Grab life by the stones… Hell yeah.” 

 

When we asked Bubinski if he planned on consuming alcohol in his freshman dorm room, he rushed to lock the door and closed the curtains. “Shhh! Jesus Christ! Do you have any f*cking idea how ballistic my mom will get if she hears about my secret stash?!” Kyle then went to open his mini-fridge, and moved aside several containers of Sunny D and Hawaiian Punch to reveal his alcohol collection. There were two Smirnoff Ices, a water bottle half-filled with what appeared to be vodka, and three cans of Hamm’s beer.

 

“Behold, bitches. This is what will get the party started, and keep it going all night long — if ya’ know what I’m saying…” gloated the ultimate freshman playboy as he gave a wink and a smile that would make anyone vomit.

 

Kyle had clearly laid out how he planned on getting girls rushing to his dorm like moths to a very sexual flame, but it wasn’t yet clear how he planned to, “annihilate chicks with my heat-seeking love muscle” as he so eloquently put it.

 

“Then it’s off to the races. The sex races!” Exclaimed a visibly uncomfortable Bubinski as he glanced away at one of his posters. “I’ll just… Ya’ know… Do the sex stuff all over her and… And it’ll totally be the coolest. Just like it has been every other time…” Kyle proceeded to silently sit wide-eyed in his bed for a full minute, wiping the sweat off his brow before snapping back to reality.

 

We said our goodbyes and wished the fearless freshman good luck on his “conquest of coitus”, as he insisted on calling it. 

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