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Illinois State

Student Loan Sharks

With more and more students graduating with shit-tons of student debt, the government, banks, and schools are starting to worry about the giant bubble they’ve created and whether or not students are actually going to pay back what they borrowed. The problem? Most students have borrowed over $40,000 to go to school, to get jobs that pay only $20,000 a year (and also they don’t feel like paying their loans back). As one unemployed philosophy major told asked us, “I’m shit broke, what are they going to do, break my legs?” ISU’s new Student Loan Sharks seek to do just that.


The new work-study program is made up of students who are, ironically, in debt to the school themselves and are hoping to chip away at some of that debt with work-study. These students visit ISU alumni and use what the university calls “threatening behavior” and “scare tactics” to get money from their delinquent alumni.


The Black Sheep spoke with ISU alumnus Frank Bottom, who had recently been visited by the sharks. “I could tell he was still in training by the way he threatened me, you know?” Bottom told us. “He seemed really nervous and he was holding his bat all wrong! I really didn’t feel very threatened.”


We received a call from Mr. Bottom a week after this first interview claiming that he had more information on the sharks. When we visited his house, we saw that his hanging porch plants were askew and, what looked like, bullet holes in his window. Bottom answered the door in a wheelchair. “They came back…” Bottom whimpered from the comfort of his cushy-looking wheelchair, “first some of my old professors shot up the place and then told me that I really hurt their student’s confidence by not acting scared. They… they told me that next time I got threatened to act like it.”


According to Bottom, the next day the same student came to his door and said that if he didn’t pay up, he was going to be in a world of hurt. He said this, apparently, while lightly pushing on Bottom’s begonias, which Bottom described as “mildly menacing.”


“I couldn’t help but laugh,” said Bottom, clearly more menaced than before, “he was just pushing so gently on my begonias! But I wasn’t laughing the next day. I was awoken in the night with a rag of chloroform in my face and woke up again in Hancock Stadium tied the goal post. Then a few freshmen, who I assume were new recruits, were being taught how to take a bat to my limbs.”


We spoke to ISU professor of Crop and Soil Sciences Lance Undergorn, who is one of the volunteer student loan shark instructors. “I think it’s criminal what these people do… taking loans that they might not be able to pay back? They’re literally as vile and evil as Hitler. I see no moral quandary about busting up their houses and beating up their dogs to try and get money that is rightfully ours.”


We were intimidated by the way he spoke with such… italics, so we left as soon as we could, but not before he finished saying, “Oh! And if any of you youngsters are looking to make some extra cash, we start shark training again this semester! Apply now, or we’ll get ya!”


So if you need some extra cash, sign up for ISU’s “Intro to Sharking” and in no time you’ll be busting up poor people’s houses and taking away their money. “ISU’s Student Loan Sharks, where ‘break a leg’ doesn’t mean ‘good luck.’ ”

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