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Super Senior Returns to ISU with No Regrets

In his four years here at Illinois State, Joe Hamilton has been known as “Big Man on Campus” to his mom, dad, and little sister, Heather. To everyone else, he has been known as the kid that threw up on the second day of COM 110. This fall, Joe, like many other students, will return to ISU for his fifth, and most likely, his final year of college. Although, “You, like, never know dude, I don’t know what the future holds man, anything could happen!”, as Hamilton put it.

 

We sat down with Joe Hamilton when he returned to campus in late July after bumming it on his parents’ couch all summer as an unemployed 22-year-old. “They moved all my shit out pretty much the minute I graduated high school, it was bogus! But I mean, my fold-out was chill as hell.” 

 

After stepping outside to smoke a clove cigarette, Hamilton reflected on his college experience thus far: “I partied. I mean, we all partied. It’s a state school, partying is like a class in itself. Freshman year, I didn’t go to any of my Friday classes. Everyone knows the real weekend starts on Thursday. I was only eighteen and couldn’t go to the bars, but I still raged pretty hard in the dorms. My roommate’s older brother would give us his leftover Burnett’s, and we would turn up from Thursday night until Monday morning. Things got crazy, I can promise you that.” 

 

Hamilton’s freshman and sophomore year roommate, Ryan Carroll, later informed us that he, in fact, does not have an older brother, and recalls many nights spent playing Halo 3 with Joe drinking Mountain Dew and generally cowering in fear at the sight of a woman. “We can’t all be Casanova, I guess,” Hamilton agreed after asking Carroll who Casanova was.

 

“Well, maybe my early years weren’t the craziest, but once I turned twenty-one, that’s when shit got mad real. We’d smoke a blunt then head downtown almost every night for a solid month. Eventually we had to stop because I ran up my parents’ credit card trying to buy this girl a used Toyota but that’s, like, irrelevant here.” 

 

Hamilton will return to his psychology studies with a 2.13 GPA. “I did switch majors a lot. I was in art for a while, then… something else, and now I’m here. That’s why it’s so low, I think.” Hamilton says his amazing time at Illinois State has been nothing but beneficial. He doesn’t regret one minute of his time here, and would do it all the same if given the chance to do it over.  

 

“College is where you come to grow and figure out who you are. That’s what my dad told me the day I moved into Wilkins over at Tri. Now, the only inspirational quotes he tells me are ones about getting jobs, but I’ll never forget that one. I did grow here at ISU, I turned into the party god I was born to be. And now I rule here, just like Van Wilder!” No one on campus could comment on this, seeing as none of them know who Joe is. “It’s cool, man. Give me another year or two and everything is gonna change, I’m sure of it.” 

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