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ISU Senior’s Coolness Fails to Reach Younger Classes

Most famous for his Indiana Jones party back in 2008 where he got everyone to smoke weed out of a crystal skull until they saw aliens, Richie Feingold used to be the party god. The Indiana Jones party– ending with everyone throwing rocks at the police for trying to touch their golden monkey idols– was the talk of Bloomington-Normal for weeks. Lately though, his references seem to have become a bit dated and his parties aren’t hitting the right buttons. 

 

Today’s college crowd prefers a rave environment with lots of drugs and alcohol. They require themes where both men and women can come scantily-clad in underwear, and maybe a hat. Richie’s parties required a more extensive set-up and costumes and were frankly too much work to be worth it. We caught up with Richie Feingold, and asked him plainly: What happened? 

 

“Hey man,” Richie explained to us, his lips, teeth, and toga stained red with wine, “I’m still partying! I’m still throwing ragers! The other day we threw an Animal House party that was sick.”

 

“What’s an animal house? Like… a pet motel party? That sounds dumb.” asked freshman reporter Gavin Trout.

 

Richie spent the next 20 minutes explaining, in full, the plot of Animal House. As you can imagine, it was less than stimulating for Gavin. “So then he smashes the guitar! Because he doesn’t like the guy playing it! Classic!” Richie explained to Gavin as Gavin swiped past girl after girl on his Tinder. 

 

Richie told us not to leave because his “The Hangover Party” was going to be sick. We left after he came out as Zach Galifianakis wearing a cabbage patch kid, but not before we cringed so hard we lost a few teeth.

 

We all thought about sad, old Richie trying to regale us with the stories of his own parties, or parties he saw in old National Lampoon movies, and it seemed clear that times had just changed. Long gone were the times of creative theme parties, mixed drinks, and a third list item. The world was just moving too fast nowadays. 

 

College kids don’t drink socially anymore, it seems, they drink to get fucked up. They don’t go to parties to dance, they go to mash their genitals on one another while listening to a song describing exactly how to mash genitals with your big booty. Gone are the times of effort and subtlety and pretending to not be shallow. Everyone wants to have the sex with someone prettier than them and nowadays there’s at least 5 apps to do it.

 

But The Black Sheep isn’t about forsaking the present for the past. We’re all about moving forward (check out our app that tells you bar specials and drinking games!). So we embrace the new world of fornicating fucking until your parts hurt and ignoring the quality of everything as long as it’s popular. So what if music sounds like shit, drinks taste like piss, and reading is for losers? We’re either gonna get hella laid or hella disappointed and we intend to be too drunk to care.

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