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Top 10: Campus Pets

Since President Dietz’s official decree that dogs and cats are “forbidden” from all dorms and will be “put down on sight,” students have been forced to be more creative with their illegal dorm pet choices. Because what are we supposed to do? Not have illegal pets?


10.) Snail: Yes, Gary, the sticky invertebrate from SpongeBob is a viable pet option. Just give it a cup of water and some bubble gum and you’ve got yourself a new best friend. If you’re wondering, the bubble gum is to keep its goo nice, fresh, and sticky. That kind of scientific miracle doesn’t happen on its own. 


9.) Fish: Just kidding. Fish are stupid and people who have them are stupid. 


8.) Lightning Bugs: Go outside and catch these bad boys then throw them in a jar. Make sure to add a leaf to simulate their environment. Wanna go all out? Add a stick and the deception will be perfect. They’ll be convinced the entire world has shrunk down to the size of a jar… stupid bugs. 


7.) Pug: These bitches are just downright ugly. They’re hardly dogs, they look like aliens. No one will suspect they’re actually a mega-illegal puppy. We mean… if you really want this hideous thing in your room watching you sleep.


6.) Boobies: Don’t laugh, you uncultured hillbilly! These beautiful creatures, with bright red or blue tootsies, are native to the Galapagos Islands. Just call one of your many friends in Ecuador and get a baby booby shipped right to your door. Don’t have any friends in Ecuador? That’s not our problem. Is this the Top Ten ways to stop being a lonely loner? No. It’s not. 


5.) Koala: We’re gonna be straight up and down with you; you’re gonna have to break into the zoo for this one. But after that, it’s all cake. Make sure you feed it twice a day; DP Dough’s new “Eucalyptus Zone” should do nicely. These fuzzy nonbears need a place to hang from, so unless you want to be that cool guy with the koala constantly on his leg, make sure you have a bunk bed for it to chill from.


4.) Pygmy Goat: These fluffy, octopus-eyed, little cuties stay pretty small their whole life. Plus their poop is biodegradable, so you can fertilize whatever plant you’re using to feed it, with its own droppings. It’s the circle… 


3.) Capybara: The largest rodent in the world is actually a cute, friendly fella that is misunderstood because of the way it looks. Yes, we did first see this in Bob’s Burgers


2.) Red Panda: HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? DO WE EVEN NEED TO WRITE ANYTHING? The red panda is nature’s cutest animal; it’s not even a contest. These fluffy little jokesters combine all of the energy and silliness of a ferret, with the fluffiness of a Persian cat, and the cuteness of a thousand cuddly bunnies.


1.) Axolotl: A member of the salamander family, these cute little mofos can regenerate their limbs, including their legs, jaws, and even their eyes. This is the perfect college pet choice because it can put up with all of the accidental abuse you can throw at it. The axolotl is truly the party animal.

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