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10 Reasons ISU Was Better Without the Rest of You Assholes Here

So, everyone was gone for winter break, and had a merry ol’ time with their families, right? You got to get into arguments with Nana about Trump, and about your peculiar lack of a girlfriend for all four years. While all of you were opening presents that you didn’t really want, a lucky few of us got to stay in BloNo for winter break. And tell you what, things were a lot better without 20,000 annoying barely-adults grabbing every alcoholic drink and genital they could.

 10.) The Line at Chipotle Was Shorter:
Seriously, you could get in and out of there in like five seconds, and that’s counting having to cross Main Street. It was fantastic. No one was bothered by the sounds of some srat star talking about how Jeremy “totally fucked her over at that party last night,” or about how some DChi “totally almost banged Sarah behind Windy City Wieners.” Now that everyone’s back, guac isn’t that only thing that’s #extra.

9.) Traffic was Nonexistent:
Maybe it wasn’t that bad anyway, but a lot of you idiots become even bigger idiots when placed behind a steering wheel. Thankfully, over break none of you were here so the few times we had to drive down Fell Ave., we could do so in peace.

8.) Pub Wednesday Wasn’t a Fucking Nightmare:
Everyone holds Pub Wednesday to some gold standard, but honestly, everyone is wrong. Pub Wednesday is, for the most part, the worst. People are drunk assholes, it takes a half hour to get a beer, and there is absolutely no way you’ll find a seat. But while all of you were gone, it was like heaven only better because of all the cheese balls.

7.) Frats Weren’t Open:
Yes, it actually happened. Not like it really affects the majority of us, but it truly was the satisfying icing on the all-of-the-assholes-are-gone cake.

6.) We All Felt Like the Kings of Campus:
When all the peasants left, the king Redbirds ruled the whole land. Excuse us, we’ve been watching a little bit too much Game of Thrones. That being said, we pretty much ran this place for a whole month.

 5.) Cops were Cooler:
Well, maybe not cooler, more or less absent. Cops weren’t here to mess around with college kids when there were no college kids to mess with. Made everyone’s lives a whole lot easier.

4.) Townies Got A Lot Nicer:
We’d imagine that dealing with a bunch of entitled eighteen year olds could get pretty old for all the olds who actually live in this town. With most of the students gone, Normal townies were buying beers for everyone.

3.) Those Annoying Neighbors Ceased to Exist:
It was cool because neighbors were gone, and no one was here to tell you to turn down your music at 4 a.m. on a Monday. Whether it was in the Lodge or the Edge, it was downright amazing.

2.) The Rec Wasn’t Packed?:
Truthfully, we have no idea if it was packed, ‘cause (spoiler alert) we we’re too busy drinking all different sorts of beer. But odds are it was probably pretty empty.

1.) Campus Peace:
This really is the best part. Everything was so goddamn quiet and no one was being an asshole to anyone. It’s honestly hard to complain. But, we’ll power through it.

Now that everyone’s back on campus and classes have started again, this shit-show is back in full swing. It’s too bad, there’s a lot to be said for a silent spot in the line at Chipotle.

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