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Top 5 Ways to Tell Your Parents You Won’t Actually Be Graduating From ISU

 

There’s nothing worse than thinking that you’re finally done with this shithole of a town, and then learning that you actually won’t graduate as soon as you thought. Whether it’s ‘cause you failed a class, or whatever else, it sucks and Mommy and Daddy won’t be happy. They paid for you to learn, and you wasted all of your time drinking. There’s no right way to tell them, so here are a few suggestions that might make it a little bit easier.

5.) Get a Signed Excuse Letter From President Dietz:

If you’re going to go down in flames, at least make it official. It’s hard for parents to get mad at their kids when they have a letter from the president of the university. “Your son is a total fuckup” looks a lot better when it’s signed by someone important. We’re sure Dietz would do it, he seems like a cool dude. And if not, forge his signature. It can’t be that hard right, it’s like five letters.

4.) Blame ReggieNet:

If there’s one thing that pretty much everyone who’s gone to ISU has learned, it’s that ReggieNet is garbage. We’ve used it to claim we totally did the homework (even though we totally didn’t) and that ReggieNet just fucked it all up, and it works. Maybe your parents don’t understand the struggle, and therefore, this is a useless excuse, but hey, it could work.

3.) Say You’re Going to Grad School:

“Hey Mom, I’d love to invite you to my graduation, but I can’t because I think I’ll be furthering my education here,” is a sentence that’s probably going to make your parents swoon with pride. Sure, they might not want to pay for more college, but it’s definitely a lot better than, “Hey Mom, I won’t be graduating and I wasted all of your money.” When you can’t actually get into grad school, you may have a bigger issue, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

2.) Forget to Order Your Cap & Gown:

The deadline for that was April 6, people, and if you haven’t ordered it yet you might not get to walk anyway. Tell your parents you’d love for them to come see you spend three hours hearing other people getting their degrees, but you just can’t because they won’t allow you to walk with the ISU swag. It should work.

1.) Tell Them at Brewe-Ha’s:

Wait for your ‘rents to get five import beers deep, buy them a cheap burger, and then once they’re moderately buzzed, buy them some shots. If you can get them to blackout, telling them should actually be pretty fun. And if they get mad, make sure to show them that your name is on the wall for finishing the import list, so they can at least be proud of something. Sure, maybe they’ll be even more pissed but maybe, just maybe, they’ll say it’s okay and how proud they are of you anyway. Not the route we would go, but hey, it’s your life.

We recommend trying these out before your parents make the two and a half hour drive to campus, but again, totally up to you.

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