Well, kiddos, it’s that time of the year again when students scramble to get their lives together in the form of studying for finals. Or, as is commonplace at UIUC, uncomfortably overcrowd the Undergraduate Library beyond its maximum capacity just for the sake of “feeling” like they’re being studious. Instead of cramming yourselves into a tightly-packed, industrial-sized can of tweeting sardines, try on these alternative C-U study spots for size.
The Dumpsters outside Red Lion:
A scene perfect for those who want to escape the aroma of “I spent 72 solid hours studying for solid job prospects” at Grainger, the dumpsters behind Red Lion provide a unique atmosphere for the loneliest of lone studiers. The shard of a broken Bud Light bottle might be a pain in the ass, but not as much as dealing with loudmouths at the UGL! Yuck! What? You’re gonna complain about free water? There’s no pleasing you, is there?
The Morrow Plots:
Most undergrads hold on to that steadfast belief that entrance into the Morrow Plots are absolutely forbidden for some reason. If those experimental plots were off limits, then why did they make a child-sized opening right under the information sign? The only experiment going on here is the university’s studies on a studious student’s sense of free will. Set up shop, cowboy!
**FOOTAGE CURRENTLY UNDER REVIEW BY CAMPUS PD**
YOU KNOW WHAT’S GREAT ABOUT MERRY ANN’S BESIDES THE 50’S AMERICANA THROWBACK DÉCOR AND HAVING BREAKFAST AT TWO IN THE MORNING? IT’S THE FACT THAT THE AMAZING WAITSTAFF JUST KEEPS FILLING UP THAT SAME CUP OF COFFEE. LIKE, ENDLESSLY, AHAHA. LITERALLY ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH A BOTTOMLESS CUP. ENGLISH ESSAY DUE IN FIVE HOURS? NO SWEAT. FINANCE EXAM AT 8 A.M.? BRING IT ON. I’LL DO ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME, FUCK IT. THE WORLD’S MY ACADEMIC OYSTER, AND I WANT ITS PEARLY PEARLS RIGHT NOW…I THINK I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. WOW SEVEN OPENED SPLENDA PACKETS THAT’S GOTTA BE A NEW RECORD.
On an MTD Bus:
Many students struggle with studying because of the stagnancy of staying in the same place for hours on end. Common sense tells us that there isn’t a Staples-approved computer chair in the world worth it enough to become physically one with your dormant ass. Bring your laptop along with you on any one of the CUMTD’s convenient lines and read lecture notes to your heart’s content all across campus. Reckless bus drivers are courteous enough to keep your focus in check, because there’s no way you’re staying glued to that seat during most minor turns. Man, I’m really fucking up this Google Doc.
Literally in the Middle of Green St.:
Oh, you want a sense of urgency and impending demise when studying, do you? Well, then look no further than the most populated street on campus next to Wright (#2 in the polls, last we checked). Free of any sort of secure WiFi connection and thereby any distractions of the sort, getting situated in the middle of Green St. means it’s just you, your study materials, and the occasional surge of oncoming traffic. There’s nothing quite like getting pumped for an 8 a.m. final than a dozen honking cars whirring against your face. What are they gonna do, barrel over you? Pff. Still better WiFi than IllinoisNet.
So, there you go, los estudiantes estudiosos. Those are five bonafide study spots that’ll at least guarantee you some breathing room than the good ole’ UGL. Now, get on back to not even studying in the first place. Don’t kid yourself, mate. We know.