It’s Moms Weekend and your mom is finally coming to visit, but let’s face it: she’s not as young as she used to be, and time is only going to continue on. The best way to take advantage of the time you have left with the lucky lady in your life is to take her to Moms Weekend Block at Lion.
First, she’ll arrive bright and early on Saturday morning. She knows you’re still drunk from Happy Hour last night, but even though she can smell the stale tequila on your body odor, she’s still happy to see you.
She’s not sure what your house has planned because you forgot to find out and your Moms Weekend chair said she’d send out an email, but she forgot. Regardless, she’s pumped to wear your letters to the flower show at the Stock Pavilion.
You quickly text your roommate and find out your house and Delta Iota Kappa have a tab together at Lion, saving you the sheer EMBARRASSMENT of seeing Eta Omicron Epsilon in the Stock Pav–*gross*–and making your Saturday way more lit.
Your mom and your roommate’s mom aren’t so pumped excited about this new twist in the journey towards more success. However, soon they’ll learn and embrace the experience that is Block at Lion.
While you both wait in line at Lion to get into Moms Weekend Block, she’s not loving the booming sound of a deephaus version of “Closer.” Thankfully, she still wants to give you a fair opportunity to prove your choice.
When she gets inside, she’s shocked by the smell of the Cocktagon. Then, she sees a “young lady that’s YOUR AGE” wearing a visible “dark brassiere” under her white v-neck.
And there are young ladies DANCING on tables??? During the DAY????? She dreams of the days of sockhops in the gymnasium.
In order to curb her not-so-subvert behavior, you run to main bar immediately to get her a Bloody Mary. She’s impressed by their use of the “good vodka” and for the first time all day, feels an ounce of class.
Soon after she finishes her second Bloody, she’s feeling great and supporting those ladies up there “shakin’ that thaaaang.” Those tables are looking more and more fun to twerk on.
Now she wants to do shots. You’re less than thrilled about the idea, but she tries to get you pumped with some good ol’ fashioned “encouragement.”
Uh-oh, those three ‘quila shots aren’t sitting so hot. You’re totally looking forward to holding her hair back at the Six Pack communal bathrooms. Let’s hope that goober RA of yours doesn’t bust you.
After she boofs and rallies like a champ, she gets emotional about her baby growing up. After all, you did just hold her hair back for her.
Knowing it’s game time, she wipes her eyes and gets ready to get back out there. As they say, “grandma didn’t raise no quitter.”
Before you know it, it’s 4:30 p.m. and you’re both ready for drunchies. Did someone say Papa? You know momma loves her daddies as much as her daughter.
By the end of the day, she “can’t wait to come back next year.” She says she already feels like a true Illini and is already disappointed in Illini sports without ever seeing a game.
Let’s hope that when it comes to winning at Mom’s Weekend, your mom is more like Underwood and less like Groce.