It’s New Years Eve! Instead of going to Chicago or literally anywhere else, you’ve decided to come back to U of I. The two hour drive and $40 cover was totally worth ringing in the new year in the same shitty bar you threw up in three weeks ago. Sadly, it’s almost midnight and your drunk goggles failed you. The desperate glances in your direction are even sadder than Becky dancing on a platform in Red Lion. You realize you’d rather do anything than lock lips with the transparent mustache man next to you. Here are five alternative activities to do on NYE at Lion instead of making out with a stranger:
5.) Pick Back Up Your Old Smoking Habit:
Well, it was a good run. You know damn well a JUUL is no better than a cigarette. It’s only a matter of time before it wipes out ¾ of the campus. Ask one of the other lonely souls to bum a square and walk out into the beer garden. Drunken screams will echo as the countdown of the last ten seconds takes place. Remember to feel grateful: the only gross thing touching your lips tonight is a cigarette. Light the tip and inhale.
4.) Ice Out 18 Drinks:
Honor the year 2018 in the most festive, alcoholic way possible. Order 18 drinks of your choosing and line them up. After ripping out the ice and throwing it onto the floor, shoot them all back for sixty seconds until the clock strikes 12:01 a.m. Now you’re in the clear and very, very drunk.
3.) Push Becky Off the Platform:
Alright, so you lied. Maybe you are a little bitter there’s no one worthwhile to smooch. After all, this is the twentieth consecutive year you haven’t gotten any. Take out your wrath by creating a scene that distracts from your crippling loneliness in one swift movement. Pull Becky off the platform by grabbing her leg and whip her onto the ground where you iced out. If you can’t have a kiss, no one can. Everyone will run over to bleeding Becky and you can enjoy a romance-free entrance into the new year.
2.) Call Your Mom:
You’re drunk and the last time you saw your friend was when they were draped around a hard five. When all other ears to vent to are nowhere to be found, call your mother. When you’re on the phone, insist you’re not crying because you’re drunk– you’re crying because this is the worst night ever and you can’t remember why you came back to Red Lion in the first place. Unless of course, your mom doesn’t answer. She could very well be in the middle of a makeout session. Ouch. Even your mom gets more action than you.
1.) Throw Up:
Now that all other possible options are a no-go, and you’ve officially drank your weight in vodka water limes, it’s time to go find your true soulmate: the crusty toilet in Red Lion. Press your face against the porcelain throne and spew out all those regretful choices.
If you can’t choose just one of these activities, feel free to combine them all. Follow them in order so you can at least make it a night you’ll talk about for the rest of your life.
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