You’re stumbling out of Cly’s at 2a.m. after yet another disastrous wine night. You reek of vomit mixed with $5 wine and are still reeling from being rejected by your hot TA, so you decide the only thing that will soothe your drunken soul is greasy food. You reach into your wallet to find three measly singles after spending your dough on drinks all night, but never fear! The Black Sheep is here to lead you to the cheapest, most orgasmic drunk food on campus.
5.) Any Of The Three Jimmy John’s (on Green and Lincoln):
Are you the mood for day-old bread? Wow this was a weak opener. Although it’s not available on the menu, you can ask Jimmy John’s employees for “99-cent, day-old bread” and you’ll be handed an entire loaf of JJ bread as a chorus of angels sing in the heavens. “It doesn’t taste like it’s a day old!” should be the tagline of this poor college student’s version of a French baguette.
4.) The 24-Hour Subway On Green:
It was between this and Papa D’s, but not being able to afford those mouth-watering chicken strips would just be torture. Trick yourself into thinking you’re eating fresh by going to Subway and pigging out on chips for $1.10, three cookies for $1.70, or a LOADED POTATO WITH BACON for a mere $2.50. Do yourself a favor and forget that Jared did unspeakable things for one drunken night so you can enjoy a delicious meal guilt-free.
3.) The Second Story On Fourth:
A hot pile of garbage when you’re sober and a multiple, intense orgasms when you’re not, Second Story pizza has made the greatest comeback since the Cubs won the World Series. The price of a slice is $2.50, which leaves you with just enough change to snag that side of ranch you didn’t know you needed in your life.
2.) The 24-Hour Merry Ann’s Diner On Gregory In Urbana:
Although you’re strapped for cash, the chain-smoking waitresses at Merry Ann’s can begrudgingly bring you a half-order of biscuits and gravy or a side of bacon, sausage links, or hash browns for $2.50, cheese fries for $3, chili for $2.75, fresh-baked pies for $2.25, or a root beer float for $2.50. Merry Ann’s is leagues better than the sad OTPHJ you could’ve given or received at the bars.
1.) The 24-Hour McDonald’s on Green:
The following statement alone is why McDonald’s destroys the competition: You can get two cheeseburgers for $2. You have the entire Dollar Menu and more at your fingertips, and you’re about to get your money’s worth of clogged arteries. Treat yo-self to a cholesterol-heavy large fry for $1.89, a McFlurry for $2.39, 3 chocolate chip cookies for 39 cents each, or anything on the Breakfast Dollar Menu, Dollar Menu, or Extra Value Menu. Have you ever seen Super Size Me? Neither have we, but we’re pretty sure that the message of the movie was to encourage viewers to eat McDonald’s every day for every meal and we are inspired to do the same. Go to McDonald’s absolutely shmacked and stare death in the face. We promise you, it’s exhilarating.
Drunk people say the darndest things: