With the Pyeongchang 2018 Olympic Winter Games going on for far longer than anyone actually plans on watching, we thought we’d provide you with some reference points to help you understand the different sports. What the hell is a luge? All you know are boob luges in the Red Lion beer garden, but instead of being rewarded with a gold medal afterward, all you feel is shame. Here are five common UIUC activities that can be compared to Olympic Winter Sports. Get ready to feel like a really sad version of Shaun White!
5.) Running From the Education Building to the Armory as Long Track Speed Skating:
There’s short track speed skating, and then there’s looooong-ass track speed skating. And that’s exactly what the treacherous 10-minute trek from the Education Building to the Armory feels like. You power walk so fast on the icy sidewalk that people passing by wonder if you’re actually speed skating. And at the end of it all, when you plop down in your seat on the fourth floor of the Armory, you’re just as sweaty as the Olympic speed skaters.
4.) Carpooling to Class as Bobsledding:
UIUC, we got a bobsled team! Well, almost. Driving to class seems like a good idea, until you and your sorority sisters end up on Wright Street in Karen’s thicc-ass Jeep. The bell rings, and pedestrians start darting left and right as Karen swerves the monstrous vehicle. Much like a bobsled team, the rest of you have frighteningly minimal control over all of you not dying. Unlike Cool Runnings, you secretly loathe those you are with, John Candy has been dead for 23 years, and life is meaningless.
3.) Shooting Your Shot in KAM’s Basement as the Biathlon:
The biathlon is one of the most badass events in the Olympics. Essentially, you’re cross-country skiing AND shooting a rifle? Biathlon athletes must get all the poontang in the Olympic Village. By comparison, although you may not be badass or slay any poontang, you do slide around the KAM’s underwater basement, trying to shoot your shot at every indignant hunny you see. And although you’ll probably return home with McDonald’s instead of a medal or slampiece, the two are still comparable.
2.) Walking Home on Green Street From the UGL at 2 a.m. as Alpine Skiing:
We all dread it, but it must be done. Threading your way through Green Street right after close as you attempt to avoid drunk people who will gladly mow you down to get to Slice Factory should be an Olympic sport in itself. Since it’s not, the closest thing is alpine skiing, where an individual skis downhill while trying to avoid obstacles like poles and flags. It can be argued that the Green Street Games are more taxing, however, since your obstacles aren’t inanimate objects.
1.) Playing Pool at Legends as Curling:
If any bars on campus had a SHUFFLEBOARD, this would be the perfect comparison. But there are still many similarities between the frequented pool tables at Legends and the Olympic curling sheet. One is that both pool at Legends and curling seem incredibly bland until you actually commit to watching them and consuming copious amounts of alcohol. After a while, you’ll be yelling, “SWEEP MOTHERFUCKER, SWEEP!” at a confused Legends pool player.
The Winter Olympics is something Illini forget about every four years until it gives them the excuse to go to Red Lion at 6 a.m. Olympic athletes: they’re just like us!
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