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5 Excuses For When You’re Caught Escaping From One-Night-Stand at 4 a.m.

Three of nine tequila sunrises have worn off, much like the makeup on your face and whatever dignity you had left, as you try to dip out before the sun rises. As you quietly turn your one-night-stand’s door handle-fuck, he wakes up. So now you’re just standing there like an idiot, holding those regretful high black boots, and needing something, anything to say to get the living fuck out of there. We’ve been there, so we’re passing on these five excuses to use when you’re caught holding the door.

5.) “I need to pee”:
This may be the safest way to go. When they ask why you’re fully dressed with your bag ready to go, make up another elaborate excuse. Maybe you felt like it was impolite to walk into the frat’s communal bathroom without shoes on. Maybe you’re just trying to freshen up before a morning make-out sesh. Make them seem like they’re the crazy ones, then make your way out.

4.) “I sleep walk”:
Walk out without “walking out.” Mumble some gibberish while waving your hands in odd greeting motions. Mention some fictional character’s name and talk with a determined, sleepy voice. They’ll either catch on to your act and realize you’re sleep walking, or think you’re bat shit crazy and having an episode. Either way, they won’t ask you to stay.

3.) You’re making sure they didn’t lock you in:
Turn the door handle and pretend to check. If they’re sober enough to realize the lock is on your side, and it’s impossible for you to be locked in, maybe go with the sleepwalking thing just to be safe.

2.) “I go to ISU”:
You found the person so dreamy, you decided to miss the bus back. You better get your ass walking if you want to make your 11 a.m. class back at Parkland West. If they offer to drive you home, (which c’mon, they definitely won’t offer), say you don’t feel comfortable driving with strangers because your mom said you shouldn’t. This is a perfectly responsible rule to have, and frankly, only creepy people would disagree. Say goodbye and open the door to victory.

1.) Honestly, just walk out:
You’re packed and dressed already. Is thinking of an excuse worth it? Especially when it could lead to you having to spend the next four hours with a smelly snore machine. Chances are he remembers your face as much as you remember his: which is jack shit. Before taking this step, take a second to assure you have everything important with you. Because after this, there isn’t a chance in hell you’ll get it back. Rip open the door and pray you sprint down the right hallway. Adios, motherfucker.

No matter what lie you go with to get yourself out of this bad situation, never forget that nothing could ever really get you out of being a bad person. But hey, you’ll probably learn to live with it, just like you learned to live with just hooking up with a frat star with the world’s smallest peen.

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