There’s an unspoken language among the drunk and horny. Any Champaign bar is home to all young, willing students in search of a shacking buddy for the night. With the correct body language and intense glances, it’s easy to win the attention of a shitfaced U of I student from across the bar. Whether you’re upfront as hell or more passive, these tips are sure to score you that voluptuous stranger. So screw it, try one of these mating calls next time you hit the bottle.
5.) Intensely lock eyes while icing out:
Assert your dominance by locking eyes with the person of your choosing as you reach into your plastic cup. As each ice cube hits the floor, stare deeper into their soul like you’re some weird form of Medusa or Raven Symone. Stare so deeply that you see the pinnacle of their traumatic childhood. Meanwhile, your bicep is continually flexing harder with each ice cube you whip against KAM’s revolting tile floor. Your bicep is looking tasty as hell, and you know they know it. They’re yours now.
4.) Look, look away, look back:
Sometimes channeling your inner-middle schooler is the best option. Play the “am I looking at you? No? Possibly? Yes?” game you excelled at when dicks still grossed you out. You’re older and more dickmatically experienced now, yet you’ve retained that skill for playing games with people of interest. Your potential mate may grow confused before you woo them, but you’ll grab their attention, at the very least.
3.) Peer down while dancing on a platform:
This is best performed on one of the makeshift platforms at Lion. After you throw back that tenth Dirty Shirley, hop up on that table and start shaking what ya mama gave ya. If you have no ass, own it. Drop it low like you’re the most confident drunk bitch in the place. Wait until the timing is impeccable, then shimmy your shoulders and point at your desired mate. Seductively peer down at them from the upper level. You’re demonstrating to them that you’re above them, but you’re still down to smash.
2.) Offer to pay for the Uber back to their place:
This one goes in right for the kill. Show what a gentleman you are by offering to pay for an Uber for two back to her Urbana apartment. Uber prices around here at night can spike dramatically due to sorority girls being unable to walk two blocks away from the bar back to their place. Chivalry is totally dead but not to you, you knight in shining children’s sized basketball jersey.
1.) Pay for their drink in full:
Let your mate know you don’t cheap out when wells switch back to $4. Whip out a $5 bill and tell the bartender they can keep the change. We know every wholesome, classy gal is motivated by money. If you happen to have another $5 bill, buy her one as well. You’re marking your territory. No one can resist the soothing call of alcohol or the inexplicable allure of a rich dude.
If you successfully pull off any of these, you’re officially the Queen of the Jungle. Go celebrate pantless in the bedroom and then the Quad during your walk of shame.
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