Oh no! You were too busy blowing bubbles and deeply suppressing the inevitable plateau of adulthood to remember to rent your cap and gown from the university! But hey, that’s ok, because for some reason the gowns cost $53 fuckin’ dollars to rent. Why are we paying U of I to… leave? Even though your mom’s yelling at you over speakerphone right now for forgetting to rent a gown, we got you covered. Here are five alternative outfits to wear to your graduation ceremony when you dun goofed.
5.) Your shower curtain:
Just as unflattering as a graduation gown, and probably even more unbreathable, you can’t go wrong by wrapping yourself in your apartment shower curtain and hightailing it off to the ceremony. Students at the College of Engineering convocation can wear this outfit proudly as their peers and parents stare agape. Yes, you do sometimes shower now that you are an adult. Hopefully your shower curtain is navy or black or some kind of neutral color. Just as long as it’s not a rainbow tie dye shower curtain, it should work.
4.) Block attire:
It’s time to come clean. So your parents are wondering why you’re graduating a full year late as a communications major? Yeah, it wasn’t really because you were depressed over your great grandma’s death, but because you’re a booze-fueled degenerate who went to Red Lion Block on the weekends instead of studying for your Monday CMN 111 exam. This outfit entails a vulgar jersey, douche shades, some JUUL pods, and pregaming heavily enough before commencement to laugh at the dude who invented PayPal’s dad jokes.
3.) Your parents’ tuition money:
Your parents will be there for your big ceremony, and you want to thank them for all they’ve done for you in a super tacky way. Tape money to your clothing to symbolize all the hard-earned cash your poor parents spent on your education. Since you probably don’t have much cash, you can print out fake money. And since printing also costs money, you’re probably on your own unless you want to ask your parents for more money.
2.) Barn dance look:
Barn Dance is one of U of I’s most celebrated traditions, and you didn’t feel sad about graduating until you realized you wouldn’t get to taste Loretta’s homemade Chex Mix again. Continue to live out your glory days at the graduation ceremony by donning flannel, boots, and more flannel. Complete this look by covering yourself in straw and reeking strongly of bonfire.
1.) Your shacking fit:
Yes, this graduation outfit was totally on purpose and not because you wilded out after your last final, woke up in a frat house bunk bed, and almost overslept commencement. At least you had one last hurrah. This may be one of the bolder choices in this list, so just follow Tyra Banks’s advice and “hoe, but make it fashion.” Not like you have a choice, but rock y-our pumps from last night with the long sleeve tee that guy’s not getting back. Your parents will be disappointed.
It’s been four years of disappointing those close to you, so why not go out the same way by forgetting to rent your graduation gown and wearing a ridiculous alternative instead? Stay on brand by making your parents shake their heads sadly one last time.