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5 Outfits to Wear to the UGL That Say, “Don’t Talk to Me Before Finals”

With finals coming up at Illinois, it’s been days, maybe even weeks, since you’ve showered. Your eyes are bloodshot, you can’t stop popping Adderall like Tic Tacs, and your brain can only hold information about pyrotechnics and famous philosophers. You just want to go to the UGL like everyone else on campus, but you don’t want to have to socialize with anyone or be distracted. We’ve come up with 5 nifty outfit ideas you should totally wear while studying at the UGL to ensure no one bothers you.

5.) Several Sets of Sunglasses:

Wearing one pair of sunglasses in the UGL at night might alert people not to talk to you, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. The absolute minimum number of pairs of sunglasses you should wear to the UGL is three. You clearly don’t want to be messed with, and other students should stay at least a meter away from you at all times. Plus, eyes are the window to the soul, so the sunglasses will prevent any creepy creative writing majors from writing you a love and presenting it to you with a tip of their fedora.

4.) Sassy Apparel:

Do you have no personality or ability to voice your opinions in a normal way whatsoever? Then wear graphic clothing! Nothing says “Leave me alone” quite like a graphic tee that quite literally says “Leave me alone.” Wearing a “Boy Bye” Beyonce merch hat or a “Do Not Disturb” sleeping mask will spell the message out loud and clear for your fellow UGL-goers.

3.) A Cunning Disguise:

Your sorority sisters or geeky ISR floormates won’t try to talk to you if they don’t recognize you. The most popular disguise is that Groucho Marx mustache, nose, and glasses combo. It’s safe to assume this is available at Ragstock for a mere $49.99. Otherwise, an old Halloween costume such as Napoleon Dynamite or Michael Jackson should be just as effective.

2.) All Black Errythang:

Does anyone fuck with goth bitches? No ma’am. Dress head-to-toe in all black, and anyone who planned on asking you for your MacBook charger will think again. For the full goth look, you should wear anything with spikes, jet black eye makeup that won’t ever come off, and threaten to blast Pierce The Veil if anyone gets too close to your seat. You might get hit by the 22S on the way home because the driver doesn’t see you, but it’s worth it.

1.) Reverse Hoodie:

This is an easy DIY antisocial outfit that involves two easy steps. First, take any normal hoodie and turn it inside out. Next, put the inside out hoodie on and put the hood over your face. A possible third step is cutting holes in the hood for your eyes, but that’s only if you want to study. If you don’t cut holes, you can sleep peacefully for the first time in over 72 hours of caffeine-fueled anxiety. If you’re from the North Shore, you can probably afford a morphsuit, which is way cooler than an inside out hoodie.

We guarantee that no one will even make eye contact with you if you wear these fashionable outfits. Anyone who tries to talk to you while you’re studying in these clothes are either a sociopath or just really wants a distraction from studying for their ATMS 120 final.

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