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5 Places at UIUC That Need a Liquor License

There are some places at UIUC where you could really use a drink, but alcohol isn’t acceptable. This is college, shouldn’t there be an open bar in every building? Sometimes us students could use a tequila shot in Lincoln Hall to unwind after a tough lecture. Here are five places in Champaign that really need a liquor license.

5.) The UGL:

Too many people, too much stress and you’re dripping sweat because of how may laps you’ve taken just to try to find an open table. Maybe if the UGL had a liquor license, and you had a couple drinks beforehand, you wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable sitting at a table with random international students who don’t speak English. The UGL is basically already a social setting, and there are so many unnecessary rooms that surely don’t always get occupied, so why not just turn that into a bar?

4.) McKinley Health Center:

Are these people certified doctors and nurses? If so, that’s hard to believe. It’s understandable that you’d want to chug a brewski after being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, but later finding out your cough was just from hitting the JUUL too many times the night before.

3.) The Career Center:

There’s nothing more stressful than thinking about your future working at Best Buy. What’s even more stressful is having other students check your resume when you know for damn sure they also have no idea what they’re doing with their lives at The Career Center. Adulting sucks, don’t you wish you could crack open a cold one, and ease the pain while planning your questionable future? There’s probably going to be a recession when you graduate, anyway.

2.) The Union:

This place has everything! The only thing it’s missing is the booze. The Union does, in fact, have a bowling alley, but nobody would know that because no one has gone sober bowling since their 8th grade birthday party. The fact is that The Union would have much better business with a liquor license, and the university could stop pretending that they didn’t waste a shit-ton of money to add a bowling alley that is never used.

1.) Foellinger:

When you’re in Foellinger, it’s either because of a test, or an obnoxiously large lecture that still doesn’t fill the whole auditorium. Either way, there is way too much space in there. The least the university can do for the students is knock down all those empty seats and add something useful, like a spot where they can buy good booze at a reasonable price.

What’s the worst that could happen if the school decided to give a liquor license to academic buildings? Students find a way to show up drunk to class anyway, logically speaking, not a lot would change. Science says that one Blue Guy a day is good for the heart, so, let’s save some lives and put more bars on campus.

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