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5 Secrets Lovie Smith Is Hiding In His Beard

With the horrendous outcomes of last year’s football season, Lovie Smith knew that he had to do something drastic to change the outcome this year. So, he got a beard. Lovie’s extremely gray beard is filled with crumbs, juices, a few paper clips, and a lot of secrets. With this Dumbledore-type beard, the Illini community is eager to unleash the secrets it holds. Here are a few secrets that Lovie Smith is hiding in his beard.

5.) The crowds at football games are hired actors:
The student section crowds at Illini football games become more and more scarce as the season goes on. So, the administration decided to take school spirit into their own hands. The school pays actors to fill the gaps in student sections. These trained actors really sell their cheers and chest bumps to a point where it is believable that they go to UIUC.

4.) Lovie is a stripper as a side job:
Lovie does not want you to know that he shows off his package at the silver bullet on the side. Lovie surprisingly makes more money stripping–and showing off his cute butt–than coaching. Sources say his stripper name is Thunderbolt Illini, and the main group he attracts is single moms in their fifties that play it loose and fast. You can slap Lovie’s ass on the pole, but don’t you dare slap it on game day.

3.) The football team is going to perform subpar this year:
The Illini community for the past 20 years has countlessly heard “This year is our year,” but Lovie knows better. He knows that no matter all the squats, grunts, and practice, the Illini will just be average at football. Lovie may say that this year is different, but he knows that we just have to settle for average. Lovie is considering changing the football slogan from “Littyville” to “We’re doing the best we can-ville.”

2.) The quarterback is Chancellor Robert Jones in disguise:
The secret to a great football season is Bobby Jones. Lovie knew that this season needed a big change, and he found that in our very own Chancellor. Nobody on the team is as skillful at scanning the field like Bobby Jones. He’s a chancellor by day, and a jock by night.

1.) Lovie has a photo of Jay Cutler tattooed on his ass:
Even though Lovie is living in Champaign, his heart is still, and always will be, with Jay Cutler. The moment Lovie was told he would need to leave the Bears, his response was, “Okay. But don’t make me leave Jay.” The outline of the tattoo is so strong that it can be seen through Lovie’s pants. Some say that if you’re in the locker room after hours, you can still hear Lovie cry out Jay’s name.

Turns out there’s a lot of things we don’t know about UIUC’s infamous football coach. Nonetheless, continue to love and support the team this Saturday, as Chancellor Robert Jones leads his team to victory on the field.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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