Every Illini at one point or another has believed they’ve found the love of their life at a campus bar. Maybe it was the sexual tension prompted by eye contact from across the bar, or maybe you were just horny after the three tequila shots your bros non-homosexually shoved down your throat. Either way, you must make a move on your dream girl and seal the deal at the end of the night. We present to you five UIUC-inspired flavored condoms because safe sex is the best sex.
5.) Top house:
Mmm…the sweet taste of egocentrism. You might as well put a mirror on your ceiling and just fuck yourself if this is your preferred condom flavor. The top house taste is strictly for the ones who wear white Adidas everywhere they go, and those big, bougie, fuzzy jackets to class. This is for you, Brad. Feed your ego a little bit more tonight while you hit it from behind.
4.) Abe Lincoln’s nose:
Lincoln Hall’s Abe Lincoln statue is the daddy of this campus. We all can admit that there’s nothing sexier than an honest man. Take these bad boys off the shelf of the Green Street Walgreens and use them with another one of your Monday Night Lion hookups. You’ll have her screaming your name and reciting the Gettysburg Address. Bitches love the end of the Civil War.
3.) A Chancellor Robert Jones email:
Sure, no one actually reads his lengthy emails, but this condom flavor brings something big and long to the table that you could never supply to your girl. If anything, this condom acts as a confidence boost to make up for the little guy downstairs. Don’t feel embarrassed; you’ll be sure to satisfy your girlfriend since this flavor tastes like the strong, powerful man you’ll never be.
2.) Eternal Flame:
This bittersweet latex is for the all the hopeless romantics out there. The Eternal Flame is just a small factor in the enormous fire of romance. Show your girl a classy time at wine night at Cly’s, bring her back to your place since you don’t mind your roommates hearing your passionate moans, and make love to her passionately. Her eternal flame will be flickering all night…well, for 30 seconds at least.
1.) Disappointed parents:
We’ve all been here. You know that phone call from Mom is going to be painful because you have to explain why you’re an advertising major with a GPA under 2.5. This flavor, reminiscent of salty tears and expired JUUL pods, is for all the Brads and Chads out there who have a weird kink for pain. Keep telling yourself that girls love to be choked during sex.
For all you irresponsible, young men who haven’t really finished puberty yet, these condoms are dedicated to you. If you’re going to try to bang every girl you see at Monday Night Lion, wrap your willy and don’t be silly. No one wants to catch your chlamydia, or have your children… unless your parents are rich.