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5 UIUC Public Figures You DON’T Want To Tap You On Grindr

Grindr is a glorified hookup app for people that aren’t down with that heterosexual shit, and its “tap” feature allows you to express interest in one of the app’s patrons without having to speak to them even behind a screen. Here are five UIUC public figures you don’t want to see tapped you on Grindr.

5.) Two thicc gargoyles canoodling on a fountain outside the Illini Union:
A threeway is a nice treat every now and again, but sis, this ain’t it. Grindr is essentially a kink shame-free zone, but people tend to be judgmental of interspecies relations. So, it’s best to steer clear of that mess altogether. If the two gargoyle-lookin’ ass things fooling around on that fountain outside the Illini Union tap you on Grindr looking for a third, you better floor it!

4.) Alma Mater:
Other than the fact that Alma’s lowkey shady and waiting for the right time to spill the tea about all the drunk shenanigans she’s witnessed at the intersection of Wright and Green, she’s an American beauty and a 10/10. But, if you’re on Grindr, chances are you’re looking for some trade dick. Simply put, Alma is not dickmatically endowed enough to give you what you’re looking for on a predominantly gay hookup app. Try to let her down gently when you see her drop a flame in your DMs.

3.) Chancellor Bobby Jones:
Look, we love Chancellor Bobby Jones like an uncle, but very few sane people are into that uncle-nephew kink. If you fit that mold, you need to watch a DVD boxset of Full House and take an ice bath immediately. And, if Bobby Jones hits your line on Grindr, do what all users of the app do when engaged by people they’re not interested in: Ignore him.

2.) Lovie Smith:
Sure, the dude has a beard for the gods, but every person attracted to men knows that dudes with beards are cute until they suck the moisture out of your face by scraping their hairy, disgusting faces against yours as you’re playing tonsil ping pong. Beyond that, the man can’t even keep a football team together. How can you expect him to cultivate a worthwhile relationship or even give you a dicking down worth its salt if he can’t coach the Fighting Illini to win a game against heckin’ Purdue? If you see Lovie Smith tapped you on Grindr, you’d better hit that block button with some swiftness.

1.) Grainger Bob:
Don’t get us wrong: Since Grainger Bob is comprised of, like, copper or some material that makes him hard to the touch, you know the same can be said for that dick. However, not everyone likes to be penetrated for ages, and we can’t imagine you’d be milking Grainger Bob’s brass dick. On top of that, you know you’d be the one putting in all the work and faking those moans while he just sits there and does nothing for you. Worst of all, he’d be shitty at texting afterwards because he’ll always be posted in front of Grainger reading that damned book. Pass.

Now that you know which UIUC public figures you don’t want tapping you on Grindr, it’ll be easier to tread lightly and only make terrible dick-sions with townies.

Oh Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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