English majors are a unique bunch. After all, anyone studying literature at a technically-inclined school like UIUC is bound to have something wrong with them. We would shame anyone who isn’t an engineering or business major at UIUC. But, we all need to get laid in order to fill the void. If you long to have your heart broken by one of these anxiously pretentious creatures, we have just the guide for you.
5.) Smoke American Spirits while leaning against one of the columns:
Cigarette smokers care little for their own well-being. They’ve conquered the fear of death, and prioritize aesthetics over everything. So, throw on your prescription glasses, shift your weight against an ivory column, and puff away on that sweet, sweet tobacco. American Spirits last about a half hour each, so you’ll really be showing your devotion to the doctrine of smoking and destroying your body. Also, they’re made with “pure, preservative-free tobacco.” The English Building is full of vegans, so your woke cig choice is bound to pull at least one of them.
4.) Discuss your weekend at The Art Theater:
Champaign’s Art Theater boasts some of the highest hipster cred in town. It’s a damn good time, and their specialty drinks are some of the best on campus. If you want to make indie kids swoon, casually mention how a niche anime feature at the Art Theater over the weekend really spoke to you. That humblebrag will help you to cement yourself as an insider in Champaign-Urbana’s hipster community.
3.) Drink water out of your large Espresso Royale cup:
Everyone in the English Building drinks Espresso Royale. It screams “nonconformist,” even though there are more Espressos than Starbucks on campus. In any case, you ain’t no bitch. You need a large black coffee to get you through every class. Of course, the human body can only comfortably handle so much caffeine. So, drink water out of your gaudy cup to retain the effect. For best results, pair your Espresso cup with an American Football hoodie since they’re from Urbana and a copy of Infinite Jest from the UGL that’s months overdue.
2.) Spit game through bathroom graffiti:
Everyone who has laid eyes on the English Building knows it has the rowdiest graffiti. Everything from existential poetry to obscene doodles to ideological arguments has been carved into its marble stalls. Throw your finest work from CW104 onto those walls, leave your Twitter or Instagram handle, and wait for fine specimens to slide. This will be a great method if you’re interested in the same sex.
1.) Wear your GEO beanie so everyone knows you’re woke:
The English Building has been ground zero for the recent GEO protests, because everyone knows that the only thing English majors love more than cliché-riddled poetry is leftist politics. Show how you’re down for the cause by rocking your GEO emblazoned beanie everywhere you go. Don’t worry about standing out, as at least three people will be wearing beanies in any given English class.
There are certainly easier ways to pick up people with low self-esteem, but this tailored guide should take you from the English Building to an Urbana basement show to your bedroom in no time. Just don’t let them know about this guide—that would make you unoriginal, a cardinal sin in creative circles.
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