Imagine being locked in a room of Martians who disrespect your personal space, trade Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, and smell like Hot Pockets. Sounds criminally tormenting, correct? On a completely related note, here are several of the gloomy thoughts that swirl around the head of a female engineering student trapped in her average lecture.
6.) “Wow, my vagina is parched”:
Ironically, every female sitting in a Hydraulic Engineering surrounded by future Water Resources Engineers is guaranteed to be as dangerously dry as the Sahara. What’s that, male engineering student #12,538,495? The girl sitting next to you seems irritable and uncomfortable? That’s because your lackluster personality and unattractive looks have a dehydrating effect, and the excruciating symptoms include anxiety and chafing.
5.) “Even the teacher is afraid to talk to me”:
Just because the professor sports a gold band wrapped around his left ring finger doesn’t mean he has ever spoken a word to his wife. The only reason Mr. Outdated Suit still gets to wear that ring everyday is probably because he has never gained the courage to strike up a conversation with his counterpart, and Mrs. Outdated Suit prefers it that way. So what if the professor won’t call on the lonely girl in a sausage-y sea of dweebs? She doesn’t want to participate, anyway.
4.) “I find those cargo pants offensive”:
Cargo pants are the fanny packs of the trouser world. The only people who should be able to get away with wearing so many pockets are unfashionable 7th-graders, real-life fishermen and grandfathers who carry around random trinkets like war memorabilia and coins for the meter. There’s simply no excuse. Those ugly pants deserve to be set ablaze.
3.) “What a waste of mascara”:
If you’re a lady primping for some sort of STEM lecture, the extra 12 seconds it takes to apply mascara are better spent blankly staring into the mirror and self-reflecting on your poor career decisions. Save the makeup for your big night out at Legends because your welled-up tears after class are just going to cause dripping and smearing. Not to mention, those horny lads in class aren’t looking at your eyes.
2.) “Being in a project group together doesn’t make us friends, Scott”:
Scott from TAM 212 can easily misinterpret a Saturday spent finishing a report with a girl as a first date. Said girl must now leave Snapchats unopened, use obscure stairwells in Grainger, and wear the occasional disguise to avoid Scott’s friendship. Even Shakespeare couldn’t think up a story so tragic.
1.) “Tinder is my only hope at love”:
Girls in engineering at UIUC may need to travel to the south end of campus, adjust the radius setting to avoid any matches north of Green Street, and keep their hopes as low as their self-esteem, but Tinder might be the way to go. Searching for love in a lecture about electrical circuits is like hunting for deer on the moon: impossible and, frankly, embarrassing.
You know those animal cruelty commercials that ask for money to help rescue dogs from abuse? Yeah, where’s the charitable commercial for these poor girls? They’ve suffered enough.