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6 Of The Most F*cked Up Things That ACTUALLY HAPPENED At UIUC

UIUC has faced many challenges over the years, mostly at the hands of the students. However, only a few flagship fuck-ups have made national news and truly made UIUC known across the country.


6.) Four Fighting Illini Men’s Basketball Players Getting Arrested In Seven Months:

In the span of approximately two weeks, four of the starting five players from the Fighting Illini Basketball team were arrested for a variety of crimes—mostly domestic battery and aggravated assault. It’s not a great look for a team that was already struggling on the basketball courts—currently struggling to stay above.500.  The tale of the Fighting Illini Basketball team has been an utter shitshow. Remind us why people still want to be in Orange Krush?


5.) Tim Beckman’s Frat House Hazing On The Football Field:

After allegations of hazing players rivaled only by top hauses, the university finally decided to investigate then-head coach Tim Beckman.  After only a month into the investigation, the university canned him. What really makes this story so screwed is that Beckman was fired a week before the season started—and hours after he tweeted his excitement about it. Yikes.



4.) Red Lion Blowjob Girl and Red Lion Poop Girl:

Lions, oral sex, shit! Oh my! It turns out Red Lion is for the lovers and the shitters of the world. After a lengthy night of drinking, one patron of The Red Lion shit herself. After a few Monster Vodkas, another patron decided that nothing is too private, and instantly dropped to her knees on the dancefloor to provide fellatio to her date. We’ve all done some regrettable things at Lion, but nothing tops that.


3.) “#FuckPhyllis”:

What happens when your school is in the middle of a blizzard and you’re still required to go to class? Start a hashtag trending with racist and sexist epithets, of course! Us wonderful students were wrongfully kept from a snow day during a frigid blizzard by the hands of Phyllis Wise, so instead of dealing with it like mature adults and simply binge drinking, we took to our keyboards and tweeted abhorrent things about a person we’ve never met. Pretty great, right?


2.)  Antonio’s Closing Their Champaign Location:

The cherry on top of a shit sundae. Just when we think we’ve been put through enough, the single greatest pizza place to ever exist is closed and replaced with a food-truck-turned-brick-and-mortar-restaurant?


1.) The Shooting at Red Lion:

TRL makes the list yet again with the shooting that made us all shit ourselves at 2 a.m. Shots were fired after an alleged argument gone bad, leaving a visitor to the campus dead and the shooter behind bars. Not the greatest moment in our school’s hallowed history.


Sure, the university has had its ups and downs–we spent all of last year operating with an interim higher administration–but at least Second Story Slice still sells drunk freshmen their shitty end-of-the-night pizza, Kam’s still has Blue Guys flowing, and cover will still be $10 at Lion.



WATCH: Being in Business School is actually really really hard you guys.


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