Business students’ brimming confidence and overall knowledge of what Bitcoin is deserves some recognition. Considering all the persuasive speaking classes business students take it’s a wonder we’re not already convinced they’re all better than us. But since it will be a while before they feel on top of the world again, let’s blow some smoke up their tight little buttholes.
6.) Business students are a cult:
Business students love business students. Being in their social frat or sorority isn’t enough; they also have to join their business student ONLY frats. It doesn’t matter your race, gender, or ethnicity — if you’re a business student, an advanced kind that needs to stick together to reaffirm just how much better you are than normal Greek Life.
5.) They can sense non-business students:
Even though the BIF is technically open to all UIUC students, it would be idiotic to step foot in there without actually being a business student. With the judgmental stares, it’s clear that they have a radar of people who aren’t worthy of doing their STAT 100 homework in their space. Get your Espresso elsewhere, because the business students can tell you don’t belong. And honestly, you’re just embarrassing yourself.
4.) Most own a suit:
If you’re not in the Gies College of Business, do you even know what a suit is? Do you show up to career fairs in your sweatpants from your high school’s lacrosse team and Birkenstocks? Don’t even bother showing up to the Business Career Fair if you’re not donning your finest Armani suit.
3.) Their parents already got them an internship:
Whilst many students have been desperately updating their LinkedIn profile for a possible career for the summer, business kids’ parents already have them covered. No resume necessary; just knowing they’re better than other students is good enough for their employment.
2.) They drink alcohol to network:
Drinking alcohol as a business students is cooler and more mature than drinking alcohol as a normal college student. Drinking isn’t an activity to get drunk, it’s an opportunity to network! How cool and professional! Be sure to spot Business Council members at KAM’s being generally much better patrons than everyone else.
1.) The Gies family thinks they’re better than you, too:
The business school had $150 million dollars handed to them. What is the College of Business going to do with that much cash? Buy more laser pointers? What if it was instead spread to the TAs on campus? Maybe then they wouldn’t have had to go on strike. Please, don’t be such a socialist. That wealth is meant to reaffirm to business students that they’re absolutely right when they wake up every morning and know that they’re better than you. Honestly, isn’t that the most valuable thing of all?
Every other major on campus is just wannabe business major. But guess what? You didn’t make the cut. That’s fine as long as you recognize you are a lesser student than those in the business program. We applaud you, business students. Keep wearing those goofy-looking suits and using laser pointers on poorly made PowerPoints!