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6 Things Illini Would Have Brought on the Mayflower

With Thanksgiving coming up, it is important to reflect on the amount of guts it must have taken pilgrims to take a sober, sexless, month-long voyage to a land they’ve never been to. Here are 6 things that would be a complete necessity for Illini to bring if they had to make that same voyage today.

6.) JUULs:

A month on water sounds stressful and boring. A hit of your JUUL will resolve this. It’s essential to bring a tasty pod like turkey and cranberry sauce in order to deter the inevitable hunger that happens when traveling by boat for a month. Once landed, be sure to blow sick clouds around the entire new land to claim it as your own.

5.) Dunkin’ Donuts Happy Hour:

Whether it be cramming for a test or drinking at Red Lion, the average Illini is constantly functioning on no sleep. The only way to get by is to drink that XL cheap and sweet coffee from Dunkin’ Happy Hour. It’s not only the caffeine that keeps Illini going throughout a given day, it’s the rush that the Illini get from purchasing something without getting their credit card denied. Thank you, Dunkin’ Donuts. We’d be unable to take this voyage without you.

4.) Corn:

Campus is surrounded by this iconic vegetable. Let’s be real: corn should be the University of Illinois’ mascot. Even the most politically correct student can’t argue that corn is one of the foundations that has made UIUC what it is today. It would be foolish for an Illini to take a trip without good ol’ reliable corn. As we know from the Sweet Corn Festival, corn is a very diverse vegetable and can be used for more than just subsistence. It can also be your best friend on the lonely nights on the Mayflower. You know, sexy cobb stuff.

3.) Barn Dance:

Since most University of Illinois students are actually from the Chicago suburbs, barn dances are essential for adapting into a new culture. In the first Thanksgiving, Native Americans and pilgrims ate together as a symbol of peace. In Chambana, we drink with townies in a barn for the sake of camaraderie. Bringing barn dance to our new-settled land will ensure that Illini will adapt into any new environment with the help of Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA,” lots of Natty Light, and even more hay.

2.) Block:

Sure, our football team sucks. However, it’s the Illini spirit to take this negative thing and totally turn it around. With the creation of Block, we don’t even have to go to the games! By waking up at 9 a.m. and immediately starting to booze, there is no reason why an Illini can’t have a good time in honor of football without actually watching the team. Even better? We’re definitely not bringing the football team with us.

1.) Booze:

Where would an Illini be without booze? Bored, that’s where. It is impossible to picture an Illini without their booze. Almost like the first Thanksgiving without pilgrims in the first place. With booze, an Illini can make even the mayflower feel just like sweet home Chambana.

Illini would make the best pilgrims because of their adaptability that comes from living in the middle of nowhere. If we can live in harmony with squirrels and corn, we can live anywhere.

 

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