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6 Things You’ve Done at UIUC That Will Get You a Degree at ISU

With the holidays approaching, you’re frantically rethinking your academic choices. What will you tell your parents as they interrogate you over hot cocoa? Chill out– at least you don’t go to ISU. In fact, you’ve already done things worthy of an ISU degree without even realizing it, you academic genius, you. Here are six things you’ve already done at U of I that will easily score you a degree at ISU:

6.) Tweeting Literally Anything:
Tweeting anything instantly gets you a communication degree at ISU. And retweeting Trump’s tweets gets you a minor in political science, no matter what you say. You could just reply with the “monkey covering its eyes sheepishly” emoji. Too bad you could never put yourself through the pain of attending that so-called “university.” Can you imagine living in Normal, Illinois? With no Red Lion? Not worth it.

5.) Passing Theatre 101:
Are you taking a few “fun” bullshit classes to boost your GPA this semester? These blow-off classes are actually some of the toughest for ISU students. Sad! A single introductory level theater class at U of I is equivalent to a theatre degree at ISU. In fact, just uttering the words, “to be or not to be…” for no reason gets you a degree. But alas, who needs a theatre degree, anyway?

4.) Writing an Essay Header:
The heading is perhaps the easiest part of writing an essay for a UIUC student. At ISU though, this is actually graduate thesis-level work. Keep up the good work, you stud. It only took you about two seconds, and the hardest part was remembering your professor’s name. So effortless! At ISU, this same task takes students nearly four days. Shocking, but true.

3.) Turning Your Laptop On and Off When it Freezes:
This simple action is the exact criteria needed to obtain a computer science degree at ISU. Congrats! You thought you were a dumb humanities major, constantly disappointing your parents with your awful poetry? Think again. You’re actually as smart as a computer scientist (one who went to ISU though, sorry)! Turning someone else’s computer on and off, like your technologically inept mother’s, is the equivalent of being a computer science professor at ISU.

2.) Writing Something Deep in the English Building Bathroom Stalls:
This one would land you either a psychology or philosophy degree, or the classic English degree. That time you got broken up with and took it out on the blank space above the English Building toilet? Absolutely ISU degree-worthy. Also, who knew your “Fuck Trump” graffiti might even land you a political science degree? Mom would be so proud. Oh, but it would be from ISU, so nevermind.

1.) Just Getting Into UIUC:
You’ve accomplished something an ISU student could only dream of. UIUC was probably your safety school or something. Come to think of it, you didn’t give two shits when you saw your acceptance letter. You tossed it to the side and thought to yourself, “meh.” However, this is an unfathomable concept to literally everyone living in Normal, Illinois.

So don’t feel down this holiday season, even though your GPA is tanking like never before! You’ve still got enough wits and basic common sense to snag yourself an ISU degree, if all else fails.

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