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7 Places in KAM’s You Can Hide When You See a Middle-Aged Guy Giving Out Drinking Tickets on Unofficial

 

It’s Unofficial and you’re under 21, so the fact you’re out means you’re begging for a drinking ticket. You can’t let anyone or anything get in the way of celebrating alcohol and leprechauns on this fine, made-up holiday. Celebrating your vaguely possible Irish heritage is a necessity on Unofficial, and a drinking ticket from a middle-aged guy who is apparently a cop is scary. So, below are the seven places you can hide in KAM’s when you know an undercover cop is lurking nearby.

7.) Behind a trash can:

Trash cans can’t get drinking tickets. If you hide behind a trash can, the fumes of the blue vomit and unknown substances in the trash will cause confusion, and the cops won’t even know you’re there. Get down to the trash can’s level, and really own your inner garbage bag-self. Soon enough, the cops will leave, this gives you the opportunity to make a run for it.

6.) Under the tables:

Nobody wants to know what’s under the tables of KAM’s. Since cops are middle-aged, they’re used to clean bars that might actually pass health inspections. They won’t look under the tables in fear of contracting severe nausea after their faces being so close to the floor. This insight is your way out of the eyesight of a middle-aged cop. Crawl outta there!

5.) Behind an obviously older person:

You know that old guy at KAM’s is going to be overlooked. When the cops gaze past this guy, hide behind him to ensure that he won’t pay you mind, either. Success!

4.) Under your jacket:

The childhood mentality of “you can’t see them, they can’t see you,” rings true when regarding avoiding the cops at KAM’s. By closing your eyes and hiding under your jacket, you’re shielding yourself from the vision of the po-po. They can’t ask to see your ID if they don’t see you!

3.) Next to the beer girls:

Nobody notices these poor girls anyway. Stand next to them to ensure you’ll be ignored, too. Not because you’re selling overpriced beer, because you’re trying to be incognito.

2.) In the basement:

Why would the cop go in the basement? The basement is spooky and even grosser than the main floor. But you can’t risk a ticket, so make your way down to the basement and get comfortable in the sinkhole. Take a few Blue Guys down there and relax for a while before you start losing brain cells from the asbestos fuming from the ceiling.

1.) In front of the Alma painting:

Why would the cop give a ticket to someone who is taking a touristy picture? You’re having such a fun time and you’re totally 21! No cop would want to ruin your lovely photoshoot by giving you a ticket. Maybe they’ll even take the photo for you if you ask nicely in a definitely-21-year-old way. Sure they’re a cop, but they have a soul. Alma has the power to protect you from a potential run-in with the fuzz.

Cops are always around, but on Unofficial they’ll be everywhere. You can’t let the cops ticket you. This is a holiday! If you can’t celebrate your Unofficial Irish heritage, are you even an illini? Go and play hide and seek!

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