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7 Questions We Have For The Guy On the Quad Who Plays Music Out of His Backpack With No Headphones

We’ve all seen these people on the Quad. The people who blast their own music through their backpack like they’re from an 80s Spike Lee joint. A weird choice that definitely turns some heads and arches some eyebrows. What kind of person would take up the job as unwanted and unsolicited DJ on the Quad—this isn’t the aux cord at Lion, people! Here are the seven questions we have for the few, the proud, the annoying.

 7.) How Dare You?:
By violating the sanctuary of noise peace that could happen on the Quad, you’re violating all of our personal headspace—headspace left for our own shitty music. Instead, this walking time on the Quad will be spent wondering where that music is coming from like we’re in a white, poor, hungover horror movie.

6.) Do You Think You’re Special or Something?:
Is your music better than the ones that people could be listening to on their headphones? You think just because you live in Urbana, you’re the shit? You have an elite taste of music that cannot come close to the comparison of a messily Spotify playlist… apparently. Just wondering, who do you think you are?

5.) Do You Like Molly?:
If you’re in need of music to rage to at all times– and you must—we can spot you every weekend at the Canopy Club, no? In other words, you must be a fan of MDMA. Who doesn’t love to sweat it out? The amount of molly you inevitably do is probably making you think blasting music from your backpack is a good idea.

4.) Where’d You Buy that Speaker Backpack Thing Anyway?:
Did you engineer that backpack yourself with the intention of sharing it with the general public or did you buy it for that same purpose? It looks like a bad gift from a White Elephant party. If it’s just your shower speaker in your backpack, just tell us now and we’ll stop asking questions.

3.) Do You Own Headphones?:
Investing in headphones isn’t really a huge commitment. Sure, they cost money and you lose them once a month, but literally any price is worth paying not to be speaker backpack guy. Maybe your North Shore rich roommate from Bromley stole them. That would have been worth an Illini Alert.

2.) When Do You Turn it Off?:
You’re like a SoundCloud rapper without making us click on your link, which is kind of refreshing. Maybe, it’s a forever rage and are you in an eternal hell? If you’re hazing us, you’re doing a good job and there will be no consequences for you, just like any other frat boy.

1.) Can We Buy Your Mixtape?:
If you have the confidence to blast music to everyone, surely you’re making your own. Is there a way that you can send us in the nearest direction of your art work because you have now caught our attention? We’re looking forward to your Potbelly’s performance.

The guy with music playing out of his backpack on the Quad is on the move, and thank god we can hear him coming from a mile away. Maybe next time we hear him coming, we’ll have the chance to ask him our pressing questions.

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