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7 Reasons Why Quad Bikers Are Braver Than The U.S. Marines

Yeah, maybe your cousin Justin fought in Iraq, but you went to the middle of the cornfields in rural Illinois for four months and all you get is “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” It’s clear your family doesn’t understand the sacrifices you give every day to bike through dozens of students on the Quad, and, because of that, why you’re braver than the U.S. Marines.

7.) Quad bikers have no training:
With ROTC, you have months of training. But biking on the quad, you have no preparation whatsoever. You’re just thrown out there on the battlefield. Sure, you learned how to ride a bike when you were younger, but on the Quad? No. This is a whole new warzone.

6.) When you bike on the quad, everyone hates you:
When’s the last time you heard your uncle say, “Man, I’m so disappointed that Justin went to the Marine Corps”? That’s right, never. Now think about how many times you’ve heard, “Bro, I hate people who bike on the Quad, like just walk like the rest of us.” It’s probably the same number of times as you’ve heard horny, shitfaced frat guys swear to girls at Lion that they could’ve gone professional in football.

5.) Marines don’t have to pay $.50 per ride:
Marines don’t even have to pay for college, let alone to be a marine. They get paid to do their duty, while Quad bikers are stuck paying 50 cents per ride. Those coins, much like the ones wasted on watered-down dollar wells at Campustown bars, really add up.

4.) Marines always wear their helmets. Bikers? Never.:
Biking can be dangerous. You’ve heard since you were a kid that you need to wear a helmet while biking, but how many U of I students have you seen in one? None. Marines are always in their helmets protecting their heads.

3.) Marines get to study abroad for free:
The Marines are lucky enough to get a free vacation in other countries and explore the world. Think of how much of the world they’re seeing while the Quad’s bikers are stuck in rural Illinois. I think most of us would rather be traveling than zooming past the Morrow Plots.

2.) Bikers don’t get a uniform:
Those three sexy outfits they’re permitted to switch between? The helmets? What do you see bikers in? Cargo shorts and the free Illinois shirt they got on Quad Day. You have to be pretty brave to leave your dorm in that outfit.

1.) Bikers only get free tuition if they get hit by a bus:
Marines get tuition for free; bikers have to pay in full. The only way that bikers are getting out of coughing up that coin is if the CUMTD hits them as they cross the street. The odds of that are slim since they know us grimy Illini are always banking on that. Meanwhile, Marines just have to show up to practice and boom – no tuition.

And there you have it: seven ways to compare your Quad biking experiences to Justin’s stupid military service the next time Aunt Margaret sneak disses you at Thanksgiving dinner about your useless degree in computer science.

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