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7 Steps to Becoming a UIUC Squirrel


U of I is known for bar bathroom stalls without doors, 24-hour libraries, and, of course, squirrels. These furry friends know how to put on pounds without eating in the Ike and they may be in line to be UIUC’s new mascot. If you’re looking to dance on the football field during the “Incomparable Three In One” with the Marching Illini at halftime, follow these easy steps of how to become a UIUC squirrel.


7.) Climb Every Tree You See:




If a squirrel doesn’t climb a tree, is it actually a squirrel? Of course not, it’s just a chipmunk! Start off the transformation to squirrelhood by carefully – or not – tree-climbing. If you’re stuck, the fire department might even come and help you.


6.) Politely Let Other People Pet Your Mane:




UIUC squirrels are the friendliest creatures on campus – even nicer than those Cru Christain group that offer free icy pops that want to talk about God with you. In order to live up to this ideal, someone trying to become a squirrel must be able to allow other people to pet your mane, head, or whatever else those strange squirrel-touchers touch.


5.) Dig Yourself A Burrow:




Squirrels don’t have enough money to pay rent at West Quad or any other luxury apartment in Champaign. As a result, squirrels choose to dig themselves a burrow in the ground and live in there, which conveniently is just as nice as Taft-Van Doren.


4.) Hang Out With Your Squirrel Brethren:




The best way to fit in with campus squirrels and to get to know their tiring lifestyle better is to hang out with them in a Squirrel Squad. It can get tricky, however, when they plan on going home to their underground hole for the evening and they ask you who you know in the burrow; saying Alvin, Simon, or Theodore may not be enough in this situation.


3.) Eat Grass:




To truly become a UIUC squirrel you can’t be eating University Housing food everyday. One must venture into the wild, such as the Quad or Illini Grove, and eat legitimate grass – not the marijuana kind.


2.) Eat Deez Nuts:



Similar to humans, squirrels also attempt to maintain a well-balanced diet by setting goals at the beginning of the calendar year that they will “eat healthier,” only to abandon these plans by mid-January. One of these other staples of a squirrel diet are nuts, commonly found in Quad trees. Go pick up a few nuts on the sidewalk and double-fist them to get a true squirrel experience.


1.) Claim Your Stake On Campus:




While food and shelter are very important to campus squirrels, nothing is more crucial than being viewed as the dominant animal around town, a top-house guy if you will. Sit on a bench, a branch of a tree, or the top of a trashcan to show pedestrians that, just like squirrels, you’re in charge.


If UIUC students start following these simple steps everyone soon will be putting on 20 pounds in the fall and hibernating all winter long. Although, that wouldn’t be much different than what most freshmen are going to pull this year.

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