In a tornado of glitter and streamers, UIUC was rocked by one of the worst tragedies in its long history when a terrifying chain of events left 78 dead in the worst big-little reveal disaster since The Great Confetti Conflagration of 1987.
The sisters of Alpha Pi expected Saturday’s big-little reveal to go off without a hitch as it does every year.
“Everything started out great. We had all of the girls blindfolded and their bigs were gift-wrapped,” a shaken member of APi recalled. “Even though this class is, like, not the best, we were, like, excited for them.”
As the girls began their chants, the day took on a much more insidious tone.
“We, like, did our chants like we always do, but this time was, like, different,” reported Anna Lynn, the sole surviving ‘21. “Everything just got dark, and the sky turned, like, blood red.”
An observing alumni claims the chants unlocked a portal to hell that had been closed by the founding sisters of APi in 1904. The opening was signaled by a total solar eclipse and the reddening of the sky as the souls of the damned were released upon the campus.
“I was, like, terrified,” Lynn told reporters. “There were all these spirits and stuff that were just, like, grabbing the girls and pulling them into Hades.”
Before long, a massive rupture appeared on the lawn of the APi chapter house. Through mountains of flames, the fallen angel Lucifer appeared to wreak vengeance upon those who had banished him from Earth.
It took well over six hours for firefighters and law enforcement to cast Satan and his legions back into Hell and extinguish the flames.
APi asks for the thoughts of the campus community in this time of loss.
Oh Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: