It’s a dog-eat-dog world out here in C-U. Sometimes you take advantage of the free bus service, and sometimes it takes advantage of you. No amount of “thank you”s to any bus driver can prepare someone for the first time they get left behind by the MTD. Thankfully, we’ve got some tips for you to hold on to your last strands of dignity:
6.) Wave to your “friend”:
So, you got left behind by the MTD and your hand is still waving in the air trying to get the attention of that damn bus that got away. No worries. Just wave across the street to your friend from your chem lecture. They might not actually be there, but the people around you don’t have to know that. Would you rather live with yourself knowing that people actually watched you get finessed by the MTD?
5.) Keep running:
You already ran half a block from your shoddy Frat Park apartment to catch it, so just keep that stride! This way, if anyone asks, you can just tell them that you weren’t even trying to catch the bus. You’re just preparing for that Illini 5k that no one ever actually finishes.
4.) Start a conversation with the nearest rando:
God forbid you initiate a conversation with the rando next to you in your discussion section, but when your dignity is at stake, all bets are off. You’re already walking with intention, so keep that pace and approach the nearest person you see. Ask them whether it’s pronounced C-U-M-T-D or Cum Tiddy.
Welp, you missed it. Even worse, you missed it even though you were sprinting like you were trying to get a new PR. You’ve got no other choice but to own it now. Spend the next ten minutes doing suicides up and down the block while you wait for the next one. Not because you’re trying to avoid embarrassment, but because you’re trying to work off that beer belly, or something to that effect.
2.) Jumping jacks:
You’re already flailing your arms like a dweeb, so take what little you learned from high school gym class and add some coordinated jumps to those erratic arm movements. You’ll show people that you take your fitness seriously, about as seriously as that Instagram fitness page you gave up on.
1.) Power walk straight up to the paper bin:
Huffing and puffing, you don’t make it to the stop on-time. The bus has gone, as has your little bit of clout. There’s a way to redeem yourself though. Just dig into The Black Sheep’s bin and pick up the latest issue. People will see you as a connoisseur of quality journalism, not the sweaty mess who missed the bus. Your clout points are back up, baby.
Sometimes in life, you win some and you lose some. Most likely for you, you lose more than you’ve ever won. Just make sure you pick up the pace and next time you won’t have to look like an idiot while saving face.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: