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9 SpongeBob Characters That Can Totally Win Joe’s Bikini Battle

The annual Joe’s Brewery Bikini Battle is finally upon us! It’s finally acceptable for our student body to once again look upon their scantily-clad female counterparts. While they’re busy ogling over their nearly-naked classmates, they’re missing out on one important concept: what about all those SpongeBob characters that could be up there on stage? No really, which characters in SpongeBob could totally WIN that Bikini Contest? The Black Sheep has compiled a list for of the SpongeBob Characters that can TOTALLY win the Bikini Battle.


9.) SpongeBob SquarePants:

Spongebob loves to be in the nude, showing his butt, and wearing minimal clothes. Plus, he doesn’t even have vertebrae; can you say FLEXIBLE?


8.) Patrick Star:

Patrick never wears a shirt, and is always clad in swimwear. Thus, he’s an obvious choice for strong contenders to win the Bikini Battle. The competition could get fierce (a la the Fry Cook Games), but it would all work out when Patrick would wear a yellow bikini, and SpongeBob would be touched. It was white when he bought it…


7.) Sandy Cheeks:

If you weren’t aware, Sandy is always Bikini Contest ready. She’s literally wearing her bikini 24/7 underneath her astronaut suit, anticipating the opportunity to show off her bikini bod. Plus she’s from Texas, land of the scantily-clad country folk. She could prove once and for all that land critters are in fact better (or hotter) than sea critters.


6.) Pearl Krabs:

Pearl could win the contest because she’s incredibly confident. She knows what she wants, how to get it, and how to wow a crowd. Also, she’s super popular, and would get all of her kewl friends to come out and cheer for her. She’s hip, she’s coral, and she loves salad. We just need to make sure that her daddy (Mr. Krabs) won’t be in attendance…let’s just say she has some major daddy issues.


5.) Larry the Lobster:

Larry has one of the hottest bods in Bikini Bottom. He’s always lifting, making gains, and getting swole. Thus, he would be an ideal candidate for the Bikini Contest—his hot bod would draw a crowd, and his confidence would woo the judges. Get it, Larry!


4.) Karen, Plankton’s Computer Wife:

She may not be the most beautiful, but damn, she has a sexy voice. She’s sassy, sarcastic, and her Midwestern accent, she would fit right in with the competition. She could easily steal the show, and surprise the judges. Sometimes personality is much more important than looks, ja feel?


3.) Mermaid Man:

Mermaid Man is lowkey a total babe. Though he’s lost some of his thunder from the early days, he’s still a smokeshow, and always rocks the starfish bikini. He’s too old to give a damn, and he’d be super-confident on stage (even though he might break a hip, but that’s okay). To the chiropractor! Awayyyyy!


2.) The Dirty Bubble:

This guy can really wow the judges. He has “dirty” in his name, for Pete’s sake. He’ll kill the competition (perhaps literally?) with the dirty jokes, and ensure for a killer show. This reminds me of the time in Cancun with the killer shrimp…


1.) The Alaskan Bull Worm:

This might be a bit of a wild card, but the Alaskan Bull Worm is sure to turn heads. He’s always in the nude, ferociously fierce, and the talk of the town. Instead of busting onstage eating McDonald’s fries, he’ll be eating Sandy’s tail. Did we mention that he’s single?


These creatures from the Bikini Bottom would be a great fit for Joe’s Bikini Contest tonight at 9 p.m. We hope to see you there!

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