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9 Ways A UIUC Engineering Degree Helps You Be Better In Bed

Stereotypically that all engineers are awkward and unsociable, but little did you know that your education is actually preparing you to be a lovemaking machine. We bet you didn’t notice these integral pieces of the engineering curriculum that double as sex performance education.

9.) Sprinting to classes:

No first semester engineer’s schedule is complete without a math course, a physics course, and an intro major course stacked next to each other. As you bolt from Altgeld to Loomis to arrive before the first iClicker question, think of how much longer this stamina training will make you last in bed.

8.) Navigating Altgeld:

Altgeld is at least 200 years old. It was obviously built in a time before maps and sex. Back then, people wandered about until they ended up where they wanted to go. This is exactly how most students find their classes for the first time. Master the labyrinth that is Altgeld, and you’ll be able to find your way around anything.

7.) False confidence over school ranking:

Everyone knows half the battle is internal. Incessantly bragging about being a student at a highly-ranked research institution will give you the extra confidence you need, even when you’re batting way out of your league. Confidence is also the key to delivering a memorable performance in your small ISR bed.

6.) Technical advice from the physics track:

Each required physics course teaches valuable bedroom skills: mechanics equations can be applied to more than just pulleys and boxes, E&M’s laws explaining attraction and repulsion are indispensable, thermodynamics is useful once things start getting hot and heavy, and if you don’t see how to apply quantum to your sex life yet, we won’t spoil the surprise.

5.) General chemistry:

Is that the kind of “chemistry” CHEM102 is about? Since you’ve blocked out all memory of Marlowe’s torturous exams, it might as well be for all you remember.

4.) Vector calculus from MATH241:

Calculus doesn’t really get too useful until you’re in Calculus III. But, once you start taking surface integrals of non-uniform geometric objects, you’ll be exploring 3D spaces like you never have before.

3.) Nailing the timing on online submissions:

Solid pacing is the key to providing maximum pleasure; too slow and they’ll get bored, too fast and it can get uncomfortable. Knowing exactly how much time you have to start every WebAssign, LonCapa, or SmartPhysics assignment and finish right on the deadline will help you do just that.

2.) Grainger all-nighters:

Midterms train you to find ways to stay awake long enough to get the job done, whatever that may be. If your lovemaking is going long and your will starts to falter, just remember the time you spent the eight hours before your 8 a.m. final glued to a second-floor cubby. That drive will come rushing back.

1.) iClicker finger strength:

Your participation grade isn’t the only thing that’ll rise once you master the grip on this UIUC-created company’s signature product. The dexterity required for rapid-answer switching on the fly will prove invaluable with your foreplay efforts.

Next time you’re in the sack, make use out of your tuition. Remember what your love doctor professors have taught you to engineer your sex life into the best it can be.

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