The Black Sheep over at ISU was up to no good again, publishing an article claiming 7 reasons that ISU is “way cooler” than UIUC. But in The Black Sheep in Normal are dead wrong about all of their explanations for ISU’s coolness, which is why The Black Sheep here at Illinois is here to debunk the Redbirds.
7.) “Our Squirrels are Cuter than Theirs:”
Hey ISU, have you ever seen Chambana’s squirrels? While they may not be “swallowing six peanut M&M’s while scurrying up a tree,” UIUC’s squirrels patrol the Quad’s sidewalks and are the only creatures that can enter the Morrow Plots without being arrested and kicked out of the university. If that’s not way cool, then nothing in this sad world is cool.
6.) “We Actually Have a Mascot:”
While ISU has Reggie Redbird running around their sad excuse of a college football stadium on Saturday afternoons, U of I fans beg for the school’s administration to bring back the Chief, which was never an official mascot, but means much more to people than a cardinal does to Illinois State. In other news, have you guys seen future mascot Sassy the Squirrel? Ain’t nothing way cooler than having a mascot with the full first name Sassafras.
5.) “You Can Walk Literally Anywhere at ISU:”
ISU has UIUC beat in this one. While you can walk literally anywhere at ISU, you can only walk figuratively anywhere at UIUC. With a bus system that basically runs 25 hours per day, 8 days per week, it’s easy not to have to walk literally anywhere on campus. A bus system and the ability to figuratively walk everywhere? UIUC is clearly way cooler.
4.) “We Have a Lot of Corn:”
ISU’s article claims that “pretentious Illini corn” whispers to passing students when they’re “not wearing Calvin Kleins” or when the corn feels like telling students that it’s “pescatarian corn.” While it’s true that most UIUC students try not to walk by the insulting corn, ISU got one thing wrong: the corn doesn’t whisper, it yells. ISU may have a lot of corn, but UIUC has some badass corn like the Morrow Plots, a real fricken scientific experiment.
3.) “The Missouri Valley Conference is Wayyy Better Than the Big Ten:”
The average day for every ISU student begins with waking up in their twin sized (not even extra long twin sized) bed and turning on their TV to the Missouri Valley Conference Network. Oh wait, the MVC doesn’t have a TV channel, but the Big Ten, which Illinois is a founding member of, has the Big Ten Network. As they say at volleyball games at Huff Hall, point Illinois.
2.) “Slightly Less Fratty Douchebags:”
ISU might’ve got confused on this one, probably due to the fact that its fratty douchebags make the trip to Champaign for Monday night Joe’s and Wine Night at Cly’s every single week. As a result, ISU’s fratty douchebags were mistaken as UIUC fratty douchebags. In essence, everyone has fratty douchebags.
1.) “The Price of ISU Won’t Make You Absolutely Homeless: “
Let’s be honest, most four-year colleges are going to have prices making you absolutely homeless. The goal is to only be somewhat homeless, which UIUC students often do a better job at because, you know, they went to U of I.
Moral of the story here: don’t trust anything written by a Redbird. Point, Illinois.
Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?