Connect with us
Connect with us

Illinois

Should You Abandon Your Mom at the Craft Show to Go Drink?

There are only two things to do with your mom on Moms Weekend: take laps around the Quad or take her to the Illini Union Craft Show. Your mom is totally into crafts and flowers and other shit, so it’s an obvious choice for you to bring her there. But what are you going to do while she’s chatting with the other mothers about flowerpots? Should you just abandon your mom to go drink?

Diego Manischewitz:
Don’t abandon your freakin’ mom, are you crazy? She drove all the way from Naperville to talk at you about the person she hates at work. You drink every single day of the week anyway, and your mom will go to bed at 8 p.m. Literally wait six more hours so you can bolt over to Lion for your precious Monster Vodkas — it’s not too much to ask.

Original Pancake:
It’s SO MUCH to ask. College students (the ones who’ve lost their virginity at least) and craft fairs go together like peanut butter and mud. The only thing I have a harder time prying my mom away from is her favorite slot machine in Vegas. Craft fairs are like crack to moms, and I’m leaving before I have to experience her violent withdrawals for the rest of the day.

Diego Manischewitz:
Why are you acting out like an angsty teenager about your mom dragging you to a thing you don’t want to go to? Your mom didn’t struggle through several hours of painful childbirth just to have her womb candy abandon her during the one weekend meant to show her some gratitude. Do you even love your mom?

Original Pancake:
I love my mom! But I’m not codependent on her, which it seems like you are. My mom spent enough time trying to find me when I wandered away at the grocery store, and she doesn’t need to do that at a college craft fair. I’m leaving my mom to roam free so I can go down some Baja Blasts at Joe’s.

Diego Manischewitz:
What’s your mom going to do without you though? Has she ever left you alone at Walmart? Do you remember the fear that rushed over you when she left you to go buy some deli meat? Now you’re turning the tables and traumatizing your poor mother by leaving her in the insanely crowded craft fair, a.k.a. the Walmart of Moms Weekend activities.

Original Pancake:
My mother is a high-functioning adult and craft addict! She’s a strong, independent mom who don’t need no daughter with bad posture dragging her heels during crucial craft fair bartering moments. I would like to let my mom peruse the Christian jewelry and doll clothes sections in peace, even though she gave all my dolls away a decade ago. At this point, you’re on the fast track to getting your mom one of those abominable child leashes!

Diego Manischewitz:
My mom doesn’t need a leash, she needs a flower pot! It’s important to spend as much time with your mother as you can now until you inevitably move back in with her after graduation because there’s going to be another recession. So go get crafty!

Original Pancake:
I will stay at the Illini Union Craft Show for as long as I can muster, but as soon as she starts catching up with another mom she knows, she becomes the state’s problem. My mom is more than welcome to meet me for some brewskis after, where she can show me her craft fair winnings.

Continue Reading

More from Illinois

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top