The best week of the semester is finally here, syllabus week, and I, along with the rest of UIUC, is ready to make up for the past three month’s boredom with binge drinking and bad decisions. Ladies, it’s time to drunk text your ex. Dudes, it’s now acceptable to jump and break a table, then have all your bros take a Snapchat story of it. All I know is that I won’t be sober until Labor Day.
Syllabus week is what I imagine heaven to be like. All you have to do is show up to class 10 minutes late because you “couldn’t find the room,” pretend to listen to some smart person talk, then it’s time to rage. It’s time to beer bong vodka, smash Natty Light cans on your face, and chug some homemade Everclear if you’re dedicated enough. This is the week where the true Alphas of this university stand out, and if you’re still drinking by Saturday night, you’re one of them.
Except listen: this week may be all fun and games, but I don’t actually want to wake up with an opened Snapchat message to my ex. And fellas, you’re going to wake up with cuts and bruises on your elbow the next morning, wondering why you jumped on that table for the Snapchat (because now you’re just going to have to buy a new one). After all, that was your kitchen table.
Do you know the stress of waking up and not recalling what Snapchat you sent to the guy you’re trying to cuff? It’s pretty fucking traumatic. Your drunk ass could have ruined everything with the man of your dreams (for this month). All I’m trying to say is, James, if you’re reading this, I’m not that into you. I also didn’t mean anything I said last night, and I’m way out of your league.
No one likes to drink 12 hours a day, and no one likes vodka enough to make their own Everclear. Just because I like to wild out a little after being confined in my parent’s basement for three months doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Do I like to drink? Duh. Would I pass a drug test? Don’t count on it. But, do I also love my mother, and try my best in school? Absolutely. If you happen to see me at Lion, and I’m bitching out some guy for screwing over my best friend, just know that I’m actually a really good person.
As the week comes to a close, just remember that we will be reflecting on this week for the rest of the semester. The laughs at KAM’s, the cries in the Lion beer garden, and the hookups outside of Bromley will be christened in your memory forever. Stay safe out there, who knows what you’re going to do and say after four tequila shots. At the time, you may think it’ll be dope to show your friends how strong you are, and punch the brick wall in your apartment. But that won’t be dope in the morning. Injuries are temporary, but drunk mistakes last forever.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.