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An Attempt to Describe Champaign Bars as Dragon Ball Z Characters

Have you ever wanted to invite a nerdy friend to the bar, but just couldn’t find the words to lure them out of their single in Snyder for the night? Fear not! Here’s a list that accurately compares UIUC bars to characters from Dragon Ball Z, the most iconic anime of all time.

5.) The Red Lion is Goku:
Goku, the most powerful Saiyan in the universe, constantly pushes his limits to reach new heights of power. Step into Lion for Friday happy hour, and you’ll see masses of students pushing their bodies to their breaking point, growing in power and confidence as they slam Jager. Goku faces countless formidable challengers, but always comes out on top, in the same way you can always count on Lion to cap off your Friday afternoon bender.

4.) Cly’s is Vegeta:
Vegeta, Goku’s archrival, is no slouch. He too wields the power of a Super Saiyan, and has no shortage of badass moments. But try as he might, Vegeta can never surpass Goku in strength. This is identical to the relationship between Lion and Cly’s: While it’s a fun bar and has moments that rival the strongest bars on campus, its power level is just too low to make a decisive impact.

3.) Murphy’s is Yamcha:
Yamcha is a total pushover, and everyone seems to know it except for him. He gets his ass kicked repeatedly by embarrassingly weak foes, and is relegated to cheering from the sidelines for most of the series. His girl even leaves him for Vegeta. Despite these shortcomings, Yamcha is an entertaining dude, much like Murphy’s can be an entertaining place for loser seniors and geeds. Murphy’s won’t be taking out any intergalactic tyrants, but if bingo and The Office trivia sounds like your idea of fun, then this is the spot for you.

 

2.) KAM’s is Frieza:
Frieza is a ruthless emperor, genocidal maniac, and by far the biggest bastard in the series, and KAM’s is one bastard of a bar. Five dollars for a Blue Guy is highway robbery. After years of degradation and many more to come, this isn’t even KAM’s’ final form. Despite these injustices, KAM’s still has droves of fanatical followers, much like Frieza’s legions of loyal soldiers. KAM’s remains our most iconic bar, and the mere mention of the name strikes terror in the hearts of broke Illini mortals.

1.) Joe’s is Gotenks:
Joe’s has a little bit of everything like Gotenks– it’s the product of fusion. The main bar, dance floor, and balcony all have distinct atmospheres, which makes Joe’s a good choice for a spur-of-the-moment, drink-my-feelings-away kind of night. Much like Gotenks, Joe’s has some unique techniques at its disposal. For example, the burgers are the perfect amount of carbs so you don’t yak it back up after a tequila shot. But the fusion is temporary, and the bar’s power level is inconsistent. For every rowdy night, there are just as many when the bar is filled with try-hard 18-year-olds.

After mentioning all these references to your nerd lame, needle-dicked friend, it should be a done deal. Life isn’t a filler episode, and the time for rambling is over. Now, it’s time to go Super Saiyan all over Champaign.

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