Last week, The Black Sheep received an email from one Sue Wood, the Altgeld bell tower Chimesmaster and super senior of 47 years. Sue told The Black Sheep that she suspected that someone –or something– had been living in her bell tower at night, and requested our coverage of the story.
“I have reason to believe that former Chancellor Phyllis Wise has been squatting in the bell tower at night, ” Wood wrote. “Please meet me for a stakeout tonight at 11 p.m. at bell tower door if you’re not a bunch of pussies.”
We are bunch of pussies, but Wood promised free Little Caesars as payment. The following is a record of the events of the night:
11:00 p.m.: Outside Altgeld, we noticed that the Alma Mater had been recently vandalized, with “F**k Snow Dayz” spray-painted in bright red across her base. Who else could have done this but the woman who forced college students to trek to class in sub-zero weather that fateful January of 2014? The paint was wet to the touch: Phyllis was nearby.
11:11 p.m.: After investigating Alma, The Black Sheep entered Altgeld and met Sue Wood at the entrance to the bell tower.
“I see you’re not a bunch of pussies after all,” she quipped. Pointing to the sign on the door to the bell tower stairs, she said, “This is what tipped me off that it was Phyllis who had been living in the bell tower after I lock it up for the night. Beats me how she gets in and out.”
The sign read “No Bell tower Access,” and beneath it was written “except Phyllis.”
“Although I’m too old to remember five minutes ago,” said Wood, “I don’t think I wrote this.”
11:17 p.m.: On the stairs up to the bell tower, we were met with a gruesome sight. What appeared to be a couple raw, half-eaten squirrel carcasses were scattered on the steps, and the stench was overwhelming. “They’re not even cooked!” said Wood, “Phyllis is a savage.”
11:32 p.m.: We waited in the dimly-lit room beneath the bell tower where Wood suspected Phyllis had been living. She showed us a makeshift bed in the corner, made up of a squirrel fur blanket and a pillow, which upon further inspection, was a pillowcase stuffed with Phyllis’ shredded emails.
11:48 p.m.: Suddenly, the bells started to play, and we rushed to the chimes room to catch the culprit, only to find scattered sheet music entitled, “My name is Phyllis Wise and I Am Living In the Altgeld Bell Tower.” We couldn’t be sure what this meant, but it was another piece of evidence to add to the puzzle.
Midnight: The Black Sheep went outside to examine the outside of Altgeld and see if we could figure out how Phyllis was entering the premises when we heard a commotion. We looked to the bell tower to see a frantic Sue Wood waving a broom out the window yelling, “Shoo! Shoo!” as a dark figure descended the building. The moonlight struck the figure to reveal a hissing Phyllis Wise scaling down the bell tower face-first. Oh, the horror! Before disappearing into the night, she screeched, “This place is so messed up.”
That’s the last we saw of Phyllis Wise.
If anyone has any tips on where former Chancellor Wise can be, please contact us firstname.lastname@example.org.
WATCH: This is the most garbage of memes, hate it before it happens,