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Booze Review: Effen Vodka Cucumber

If you haven’t heard washed up-legend 50 Cent yell this brand in one of his songs, you’ve at least heard some middle-age dingus at the local bar ordering a shot of Effen because they have an immature sense of humor. We wanted to see if this vodka lived up to its ~edgy~ namesake.


 Grade: A –

Smells Like:
Cleaning solution mixed with a pounding headache.

Tastes Like:
An expensive day spa had expensive sex with an expensive nightclub. The cucumber taste gives you the impression that you’re eating your greens.


Typical Drinkers:
– Parents who think it’s hilarious to “say the ‘F’ word” when ordering vodka at a family restaurant.

– Suburban kids stealing their dad’s liquor who accidentally brown out afterward and throw up on the nice carpet.

– Family dogs who lick the vomit off the carpet and get a little drunk as well.

– People who want to feel cleansed and will end up naked on their roof… somehow.


Intoxication Level:
Thinking you can actually sell more records than Kanye.


User Comments:
– “Can I have some Effen vodka? Get it? I didn’t swear, but it sounds like I did! Hahaha! Give me attention!”

– “The world is fading to black before my very eyes. Goodbye!”

– “I don’t always put my pinky up when drinking vodka, but I do for Effen.”

– “It’s Fiddy! G-G-G-G-G-G-Unit!”

– “This is just the sneak peak to me shoving a cucumber up my ass later in a fit of drunken passion.”


Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Vodka that isn’t way too expensive. Money is power, people.

Where is 50 Cent Now?:
Probably making fun of another disabled kid after losing his remaining $5 in a Ponzi scheme.

How Much Alcohol is Really in This?:
Technically 40%, but it feels like you won’t see the light of day.

We Mixed It With:
A marriage on the rocks.

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