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Booze Review: Johnnie Walker Red Label Whisky

 

If you’re drinking Johnnie Walker Red Label Whisky already, chances are you stole it from your dad’s liquor cabinet or you have a kid of your own. While you don’t have the money to be super picky with your whiskey choices just yet, you’ll at least come across as slightly less of a prick than the bro who claims to appreciate fine whiskey and then proceeds to order a Jack and Coke at the bars. If you’re going to go around dressing like a dad, you might as well be drinking like one.

Grade: B-

Smells Like:

A midlife crisis mixed with the realization that you peaked way too early in life.

Tastes Like:

Your grandpappy’s Korean War stories and the abundant racial slurs that he sprinkles in throughout them.

Typical Drinkers:

– Your grandma, who is a heavy smoker who carries a rifle with her everywhere.

– Uppity little shits who think that they’re better than everyone else.

– Guys who shop exclusively at Tommy Bahama.

User Comments:

– “Wow, this is really making going through my third divorce a lot more bearable.”

– “Jesus Christ, how the hell did my life come to this?”

– “I don’t see the issue with having one glass of whiskey with my breakfast, Debra.”

– “Can we hurry this up? I’ve got a tee time!”

You’ll Like This if You Like:

Hating yourself. Seriously, nothing says self-loathing like a whiskey on the rocks.

Best Described as an Alcohol Superior To:

What everyone else on campus is drinking. You’re hot shit, kid.

What the Frat Bro at Block Would Say If He Saw You Drinking This:

“Whoa, my dad drinks Johnnie Walker too! Hopefully I don’t disappoint you as much as I’ve already disappointed my old man. I like your Hawaiian shirt, by the way.”

We Mixed It With:

The concoction of medications that you take in order to keep your cholesterol down and your dick up.

 

 

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