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Booze Review: Svedka Grapefruit Jalapeño Vodka

The end is nigh. In just a couple short weeks, your ol’ pal Tex Mex won’t be around to vicariously dictate your selection in poison anymore. So, to commemorate my impending ascension into Valhalla (the south suburban Mex residence), we’re going to go out with a bang with an elixir that… Jesus, man, I don’t even know. SVEDKA threw a grapefruit and a jalapeño in a burlap sack together and let them fool around for a bit. The result: Something good that shouldn’t be good but like, totally is…

 

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Smells Like: Like a famed pepper rancher decided to diversify his market share one year by introducing grapefruit, of all fruits. Sounds good on paper, but you’re better off shrugging your shoulders in a “huh” motion than taking a whiff.

 

Tastes Like: The burn of mid-shelf vodka plus a bonus burn of bottom-shelf liquid jalapeño extract! Finally, someone just gets it!

 

Typical Drinkers:
– Those transfixed by the allure of a bottle of liquid that should totally be lemon-lime, not whatever bastardized food group SVEDKA’s got going on here.
– Partygoers looking for Latin American flair without choking on the swill that is Cuervo (you damn well deserve the sting, Kyle. That’s your own goddamn fault).
– Nervous SVEDKA brand reps tasked to taste test the liquor in front of prospective customers, full well knowing the flavor-making execs have gone batshit insane.
– Purveyors of boredom, which is essentially how we got ahold of it.

 

User Comments:
– “Oh, honey… literally what in the frick is this?”
– “Why do I reward myself with a burn on top of another burn? That’s like, counterintuitive.”
– “This should be bad. WHY ISN’T THIS BAD???”

 

You’ll Like This if You Like: Taking risks. Not like, “Maybe I’ll try a honey mustard instead of regular on my footlong today,” risks. We mean like, “PAIN IS AN ILLUSION AND TRAFFIC AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME,” risks.

 

Best Described as a Quote from its Inception at SVEDKA HQ: “Oh, shit. I didn’t think the dart would ever actually land on that one…”

 

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Taco Bell, ghost peppers, quantum mechanics

 

We Mixed With: RC, knockoff lemon-lime carbonated refreshment, the inevitable heat death of the universe.

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