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Booze Review: Unicorn Tears Gin Liqueur

We’re going to go ahead and make the accurate claim that unicorns exist. If they didn’t, there wouldn’t be a gin made from its distilled tears and a bunch of other dangerous chemicals. Just because you haven’t seen a unicorn before, doesn’t mean that you can’t drink its tears. Most unicorns are located in Nebraska, and no one has ever been there. Let’s get into how this booze tasted.

Grade: B+
Smells like:
The sweet, mystical meadow a unicorn gallops in before it stubs its toe, resulting in the tears.
Tastes like:
Ibuprofen; that’s what tears taste like.

Typical drinkers:
The creatures from Avatar who have sex with hair.
– A progressive jockey from the Kentucky Derby.
– Fans of gin and tonic who hit the blunt.
– Coachella attendees.
– 21-year-olds who are still wearing tie-dye shirts unironically.

User comments:
– “I can’t believe a unicorn almost won the Triple Crown.”
– “Pour one out for our man Seabiscuit.”
– “I think they drank this in Rick and Morty.”
– “I hope the unicorn never smiles again.”

Best described as a drink superior to:
The alcohol your parents drank when you kept begging for My Little Pony memorabilia at age 20.

What makes you think unicorns are real?:
What makes you think our President isn’t Vladimir Putin? The facts are there and we won’t hear any opposing opinions. Also, all horses have huge horns sticking out of their foreheads.

Is this the beginning of more mystic creature-themed drinks?:
Yeah, of course. The people have been asking for a drink that tastes like centaur urine. It’s going to be delicious and we deserve all of this.

We mixed it with:
Some tonic and a rabbit hole of YouTube conspiracy videos about the Denver Airport.

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