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Brad Underwood to Attend Court-Mandated Anger Management Classes After Biting Off Mizzou Player’s Head

During the pre-Christmas Braggin’ Rights game Illinois vs. Mizzou basketball game, Illini coach Brad Underwood bit off a Mizzou player’s head in a blind rage.

In a press conference yesterday, Underwood announced that he “deeply regrets” his actions, and will comply with the judge’s orders to seek treatment for his temper on the court.

“I was completely out of line. If I had bitten off a finger or an arm, it would be a different story. But a whole head? That’s unacceptable, even when our field goal percentage is less than thirty percent.”

Visibly shaken Illini water boy Jace McClaren, who was on the scene during the incident, gave reporters a firsthand account of what happened that night.

“It was so surreal. I’ve never seen anything like it. The night started off per usual, with Coach yelling a lot and threatening to fuck the underperforming players’ mothers– nothing new. But we kept turning the ball over and he just snapped. He turned toward me and it looked like he was possessed. It all happened so fast, no one had time to react to what was happening. He really bit that poor kid’s head clean off!”

In addition to attending anger management sessions, Underwood has been restricted to a maximum of ten profanities per game, and must keep his volume down “to a four.”

The Mizzou player is said to be in critical condition.

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