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REPORT: 90% of Bromley Freshmen Have Diarrhea After Their First Meal

Despite its popularity among prospective students, Bromley Hall is notorious for its lackluster food. According to a recent report published by the Pew Research Center, this food might be having a negative effect on more than just students’ taste buds.

“After surveying 800 of Bromley’s new residents, we have found that 90% of them actually had diarrhea after their first Bromley cafeteria meal,” said researcher Thomas Vaughn. “It’s explosive and my god is it disgusting. The diarrhea is the North Shore residents’ first-ever hardship.”

Caroline Stevenson, a new Bromley freshman resident from Wilmette, experienced some tension between her roommates following a sick bowel movement.

“I was so excited to move into Bromley all summer, I heard that it was basically the North Shore of UIUC, which made me feel even more comfortable and sheltered!” exclaimed Stevenson. “But after my first meal here my roommate and I were fighting with our suitemates about everyone taking too long in the bathroom. I don’t know what they were doing in there, but I know that I definitely wasn’t just simply pooping.”

Unfortunately for Stevenson and her roommates, they’re locked into eating Bromley meals for the rest of the school year.

“We recommend that Bromley residents stay away from the cafeteria as much as possible, especially on lobster ravioli nights, you’re better off eating Papa John’s,” urged Vaughn. “As for the days that residents do have to eat there, we recommend stocking up on Febreze and Tums.”

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