Whoa, hey, dudes! With all those hot cougar cats coming down to Champaign, it’s probably safe to assume you’re looking for some 40+ action, huh? Chyeah, that’s what we thought, bro. Well, not that you needed any help in the first place, but here are a couple quick tips to help a magnificent matriarch get to your tip quick.
Pro Tip #1: Dress the Part
You don’t think any sane mother’s going to dig that short-sleeve button-down and pastel shorts combo, do you? Ha! That’s like, Tinker Toys, bud. If you’re looking for someone more on the mature end of the spectrum, you’ve got some growing up to do. Don yourself in a 2XL Tommy Bahama tropical shirt and khaki cargo shorts complete with thick, burgundy mandals, and you’ll be the 50-something 20-year-old your friend’s mom has always been into. For enhanced results, give your head a clean buzz down to the middle for that sexy “no pain, no Rogaine” look instead of that unsightly manbun.
Pro Tip #2: Strike Up “Adult” Conversation
“Talk Dirty to Me” is that Poison jam that would make most moms swoon if they had a penchant for hair metal and an unspoken coke habit in the mid-80s. So, sure, you could talk “dirty” to your motherly slam for the night, but you know what’s even steamier than a Bret Michaels song with heavy allusions to fetishized sadomasochism? Talk of mortgages and alimony payments. Busting out your best tax return-related material not only boasts your sophistication and maturity, but also reminds your date why she even left home for a weekend in the first place.
Pro Tip #3: Assert Your Incompetence and Go to Bed Early
The icing on the cake (or lack thereof) as most middle-aged men put it, use this tactic when you’re sure you still have the smallest bit of a fighting chance at being taken care of tonight. When your conversations about high cholesterol finally shrivel and die, draw a parallel to your equally shriveled sense of masculinity after decades of degrading testosterone levels. End with an exasperated sigh about how you’re “just not in the mood tonight,” and BOOM. You’ve got yourself a committed, 25-year relationship in one night.
So, give it a shot, you leisure suit-wearing slugger! At least you’ll finally have something to tell the guys at the pub about on Sunday after work!