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HERE Building Residents Disturbed Showers Don’t Use Fiji Water

Protests erupted yesterday after HERE Building residents received confirmation that the water pumped through the extravagant complex’s showerheads is not overpriced, bottled Fiji Water as residents had originally believed.


“I don’t pay $1,200 a month to live like some sort of primitive cave-dweller,” snorted two-year HERE tenant Micah Brown as he removed a wad of cash from his back pocket that had been hindering his ability to sit comfortably. “What is this, a third world country?”

In response to the incident, picketers flooded the building’s IKEA-inspired lobby and angrily marched around chanting, “Fiji is a right! Tap water is a fright!” while holding signs that read, “Humans live HERE, not animals.” Several HERE occupants claimed to have heard the chanting all the way from the luxury rooftop sundeck.


“Back in my Chicago suburb, we don’t settle for commoner water,” cried an overwhelmed Jenna Wallace of Lake Forest, IL. “What’s next, are you going to tell me that Champaign’s rainwater doesn’t run through a Brita filter, too?”


Rumors of false advertising circulated following the initial uproar as the spoiled brats claimed that they read about the bottled water bathing amenities through online research.


“Nowhere on our website do we advertise that the tap water is actually Fiji Water,” said James Foley, a fed-up realtor for the upscale apartment complex. My patience for these rich kids is disappearing faster than their Maseratis speeding down Green Street.”


In the interest of quieting the situation, HERE Building staff has reluctantly agreed to lower the rent by $50 a month per apartment for the rest of the year. There will also be a complimentary Fiji Water refrigerator in the main lobby for resident use only, no plebeians allowed.

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