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I Call It A ‘Blunt Bug,’ Says Frat Guy Who Has Obviously Never Seen A Cockroach Before

UIUC frat star Declan Rollins made a fascinating entomological discovery dubbed the ‘blunt bug’ in his Champaign apartment earlier this week after failing to sweep up shredded cheese he spilled onto his kitchen floor during his late-night munchies.

“I call it a ‘blunt bug,’” Rollins said proudly, allowing the discovered bug to wriggle around in his hands. “’Cause he kinda looks like a little blunt. I think I’ll call it a roach for short.”

Upon beholding the newfangled creature, he scooped it up with both hands and proceeded to show each of his roommates. None of them had ever seen anything like it.

“Dude, Declan is a legend,” said his roommate Zach Ibarra. “He takes the fattest bong hits without coughing, and he’s smarter than, like, any of us. The dude’s an archaeology major, still in his undergrad, and he’s already discovered an insect that no one has ever seen before. He’s goin’ places.”

Rollins and his roommates were quick to contact both local news stations and their apartment’s leasing company in light of the discovery. The property managers were reportedly stunned.

“We are honored that our property was the origin of this, uh, exciting, new species,” said property manager Michael Reynolds, in a statement. “Blunt bug is clearly valuable and precious, and definitely isn’t vermin that indicates how run-down and shitty our property is.”

The Department of Entomology at Illinois reportedly offered Rollins a cash reward for his finding. Achievements of this caliber by UIUC students ought to remind us how bright our future is.

Way to go, Declan.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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