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Illinois Campus Bike Center Provides Battering Rams to Keep Pedestrians Out of Bike Lane

Recently, the Campus Bike Center at the University of Illinois has begun equipping student bikers with battering rams. They hope to provide every student biker on campus with a battering ram by the end of this semester in an attempt to ensure that the bike lanes stay clear of pedestrians.

“It’s a dream come true!” said elated student biker and UIUC junior Grace Bennett. “Now, instead  of coming to a screeching halt to avoid clueless freshman, I can just knock ‘em right out! It’s just nice to see the pedestrians suffer for once. Maybe stay out of the bike lane next time?”

Pedestrian Julia Medden is one of many pedestrians on campus who has complained about the battering rams. “I was just like, walking through the bike lane, angrily texting my boyfriend about the way he looked at another girl at Lion last night, when this big, wooden thing just hit me out of nowhere!” Medden reported. “I’m honestly traumatized.”

The Campus Bike Center defended their decision regarding the battering rams, citing the importance of keeping the bike lanes clear.

“The pedestrians here think they’re demigods, and just strut around the bike lane,” said manager of the Bike Center, Jim Kelly. “Pedestrians are already getting clipped by impatient bikers, so why not teach them a more painful lesson they won’t soon forget?”

Bicycle-related injuries on campus have risen exponentially since the introduction of the battering rams, and are not predicted to decline. However, the bike lanes are clearer than ever.

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