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I Cannot Take My Final Today: A Poem

 

Poet Shel Silverstein wrote the hard-hitting piece I Cannot Go To School Today, that has resonated with us at The Black Sheep since day one. Now, especially during finals week, we’re feeling that school-angst just a little more than usual. We present to you, I Cannot Take My Final Today.

 

“I cannot take my final today”

Said sophomore Dougie Eli Shay.

“I have a roommate with the mumps named Finley,

He’s gotten me sick, but I’m afraid to go to McKinley.

 

My book is lost, I need to stall.

There ain’t no way in hell I’m taking my ATMS120 final in Lincoln Hall.

I stayed up too late out around town at Happy Hour,

Then I Ubered over to the Silver Bullet to give some trashy girls a money shower.

 

And there’s even more to my story – no, these aren’t lies,

Do you really think I wouldn’t tell you the truth about Tuesday night at Cly’s?

My mom is furious, my dad is pissed,

I won’t come back in the fall if this final is missed.

 

But I cannot take my final today,

I need to make a Quizlet and video games I must play.

It’s already 7:55 and my final is at 8:00,

Class this early is something I really do hate.

 

I cough and sneeze and gasp and cry,

Is it too late to lie down and just die?

I’m running out of new lows to hit,

Maybe I’ll be able to take my final after I take a shit.

 

Nope, that didn’t help, I’m not taking that final.

Why am I rhyming everything?

But I still cannot take my final today,

Maybe Bernie could raise my GPA.

 

Last week I tried for this test to study,

It turned into a makeout session for me and my buddy.

She hurt my back when she was on top,

That was a lot of information, sorry, pop.

 

7:57 a.m. now, three minutes to go.

The 22N could take me there, fo sho.

But that’s not a worry because I’m not taking my test,

All these gen eds are really a pest.

 

I just realized I have no plans for this summer,

To my parents, I’m a real bummer.

I’m wasting their money and I should go to class.

That is the only way for me to pass.

Excuses are no fun when you’re this close to the end.

Senioritis kicks in, but that’s not a cause for your grades to bend.

Maybe I should take my final today,

It’s a 100-level class, I’ll probably get an A.

 

JK LOL, I’m not going.

It’s May in Champaign and it’s actually snowing.

Effort is for losers who show up to class,

I’ll work at McDonald’s for a living, that’ll be a blast.

 

So, do what you want, you leave in a week.

Or go home now and give yourself a summer sneak-peak.

You worked kinda hard all year, and now it is done.

Happy finals season, Illini, now comes the fun!

 

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